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What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hate your face
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
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