Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
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