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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
a search helicopter?!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's great music for shaving your balls
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
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