Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
