you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She bit a glass in half.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hippo gnu deer
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all