I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Send us your Text From Last Night!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
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