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Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I stole a fireplace last night.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
420 ftw
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
well you can't waste a boner
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im six kinds of drunk right now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
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