Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
