I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
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