Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When are your genitals available?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have aggressive nipples.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need to wash the frat house off of me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
this is an emotional support booty call
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How many fucks given?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart