.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
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