i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
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