She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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