I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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