Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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