I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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