Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
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