So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
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