Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have feelings that need drinking.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
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