Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Loading more great texts...