I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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