Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
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