GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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