I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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