Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
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Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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