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Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
look no pants
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
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