it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
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It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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