Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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