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Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
being pregnant is like rehab
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
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