Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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