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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My brain says no but my pants say off.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is not my ceiling
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
why didn't you poke me back
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
"it" just moved
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
we're making bets on your personal life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
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