So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Even my vagina gasped.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're like the curious george of whores
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Playing a game in life called "how f