I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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