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how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This is not my ceiling
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You're so nebulous sometimes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Your dad touched me again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I got chris browned last night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
its not stalking. its research.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I puked a lego.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Even my vagina gasped.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
God gave him joint rollers for hands
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
actually, I'm a sock model
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
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