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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How's work?
Spinning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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