my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.