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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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