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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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