She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just found a bag of teeth...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hippo gnu deer
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
two words...techno handjob
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril