I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
now i know why i became what i already was.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
