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we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Will you blow on my dice?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
its not stalking. its research.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Ikea night.
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
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