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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
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