there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She even gives head with a lisp.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.