Texts From Last Night

Paperklipp's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. http://tfl.nu/nr6f
  Replies (3) Good night (2723) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yes and yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend? (1-920): Yes and yes http://tfl.nu/cdzo
  Replies (4) Good night (1780) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP http://tfl.nu/bbs8
  Replies (6) Good night (1788) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

  (514): View more from Quebec

  what does alcohol mean

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon (514): what does alcohol mean http://tfl.nu/hh45
  Replies (2) Good night (1047) Bad night (368)
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all http://tfl.nu/rp5b
  Replies (4) Good night (1120) Bad night (212)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person. http://tfl.nu/kj3e
  Replies (5) Good night (2154) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me. http://tfl.nu/5rwa
  Replies (11) Good night (2934) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home http://tfl.nu/1sb0
  Replies (8) Good night (2409) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius. http://tfl.nu/e6s0
  Replies (4) Good night (1311) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought http://tfl.nu/rg7p
  Replies (11) Good night (1667) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her thanks so much

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences. (484): tell her thanks so much http://tfl.nu/mozf
  Replies (5) Good night (1764) Bad night (352)
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them. http://tfl.nu/ubes
  Replies (3) Good night (946) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed http://tfl.nu/19hm
  Replies (9) Good night (752) Bad night (1096) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
  Replies (4) Good night (3874) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
  Replies (14) Good night (3368) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours http://tfl.nu/b1w1
  Replies (5) Good night (2406) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness.... http://tfl.nu/k1tt
  Replies (5) Good night (2443) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny http://tfl.nu/4raj
  Replies (4) Good night (1840) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
  Replies (13) Good night (4437) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more. http://tfl.nu/8xes
  Replies (3) Good night (1868) Bad night (326)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns http://tfl.nu/kqyl
  Replies (22) Good night (2265) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave http://tfl.nu/ay74
  Replies (5) Good night (1555) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic. http://tfl.nu/8z3j
  Replies (7) Good night (2122) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl http://tfl.nu/mt8s
  Replies (7) Good night (1328) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years. http://tfl.nu/oqic
  Replies (5) Good night (2602) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it. http://tfl.nu/hvow
  Replies (4) Good night (1423) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life http://tfl.nu/ihqi
  Replies (15) Good night (453) Bad night (2453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS http://tfl.nu/964x
  Replies (9) Good night (1350) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear http://tfl.nu/1f0a
  Replies (11) Good night (3922) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+45): View more from Denmark

  The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+45): The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm. http://tfl.nu/ztnf
  Replies (2) Good night (2334) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain. http://tfl.nu/iymf
  Replies (16) Good night (2664) Bad night (471)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Where are you?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Jimmy John's.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): There are so many Jimmy John's employees here (1-512): Where are you? (512): Jimmy John's. http://tfl.nu/2l3c
  Replies (10) Good night (5198) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts http://tfl.nu/ee07
  Replies (10) Good night (2128) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p
  Replies (5) Good night (1959) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

  (1-510): View more from California

  Tgat was the small dick alert

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands (1-510): Tgat was the small dick alert http://tfl.nu/0ham
  Replies (4) Good night (1900) Bad night (430)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me. http://tfl.nu/z9vp
  Replies (6) Good night (2795) Bad night (1010) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  omg. MEgabus. stoned.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Theres these two guys talking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): omg. MEgabus. stoned. (815): Theres these two guys talking. http://tfl.nu/fp55
  Replies (12) Good night (1070) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon http://tfl.nu/2kt0
  Replies (12) Good night (1485) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god http://tfl.nu/778n
  Replies (10) Good night (2382) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer (1-586): Ok let me change into clothes i can run in http://tfl.nu/bmel
  Replies (10) Good night (2520) Bad night (349)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin... http://tfl.nu/5fas
  Replies (29) Good night (2596) Bad night (518)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents. http://tfl.nu/48zb
  Replies (18) Good night (687) Bad night (2115)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude. Do it.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out. (770): Dude. Do it. (678): Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober? http://tfl.nu/58ew
  Replies (15) Good night (3935) Bad night (367)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck. http://tfl.nu/363f
  Replies (11) Good night (1527) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.' http://tfl.nu/nfi4
  Replies (3) Good night (532) Bad night (1202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!" http://tfl.nu/hrv9
  Replies (6) Good night (1803) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I think I sprained my soul last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I think I sprained my soul last night http://tfl.nu/779v
  Replies (11) Good night (1998) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency. http://tfl.nu/lpqm
  Replies (10) Good night (1460) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?" http://tfl.nu/pq50
  Replies (11) Good night (3198) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you? (1-623): You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror. http://tfl.nu/pl6g
  Replies (10) Good night (625) Bad night (1278)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention. http://tfl.nu/v327
  Replies (10) Good night (1839) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future http://tfl.nu/1p5t
  Replies (9) Good night (2195) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I want a burrito.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I want a burrito. (1-541): Truly, you are the voice of a generation. http://tfl.nu/xqng
  Replies (9) Good night (2284) Bad night (282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop
  Replies (23) Good night (4047) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people. http://tfl.nu/w1ks
  Replies (33) Good night (2711) Bad night (692)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle. http://tfl.nu/3imx
  Replies (7) Good night (1315) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid. http://tfl.nu/n6yk
  Replies (5) Good night (939) Bad night (1115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied. http://tfl.nu/wnhg
  Replies (13) Good night (4104) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch? http://tfl.nu/hxz0
  Replies (20) Good night (2228) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer. http://tfl.nu/6dwb
  Replies (11) Good night (1741) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen http://tfl.nu/gv17
  Replies (12) Good night (1290) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway. http://tfl.nu/fbtk
  Replies (13) Good night (3065) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3198) Bad night (1223)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone. http://tfl.nu/sx9j
  Replies (10) Good night (550) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (27) Good night (6394) Bad night (484)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/hs4h
  Replies (22) Good night (4067) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (12) Good night (2490) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife. http://tfl.nu/ovxt
  Replies (3) Good night (1616) Bad night (662)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
  Replies (3) Good night (1674) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor. http://tfl.nu/ur1k
  Replies (6) Good night (1870) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
  Replies (22) Good night (4846) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep? http://tfl.nu/8ccn
  Replies (11) Good night (1190) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will. http://tfl.nu/096i
  Replies (8) Good night (1978) Bad night (373)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night? http://tfl.nu/o2wm
  Replies (8) Good night (1377) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that http://tfl.nu/xola
  Replies (7) Good night (2254) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/7nti
  Replies (3) Good night (2110) Bad night (406)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on. http://tfl.nu/cjzk
  Replies (4) Good night (2968) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude http://tfl.nu/hmhg
  Replies (4) Good night (958) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i dont think thats healthy man...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful. (303): i dont think thats healthy man... http://tfl.nu/vurl
  Replies (6) Good night (1921) Bad night (379)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid? http://tfl.nu/msiw
  Replies (8) Good night (1749) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud! http://tfl.nu/toc7
  Replies (7) Good night (3727) Bad night (462)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list. http://tfl.nu/xg4q
  Replies (24) Good night (1679) Bad night (388)
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final? http://tfl.nu/e8i7
  Replies (28) Good night (2226) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can't be the first without the last

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics? (978): Can't be the first without the last http://tfl.nu/ya96
  Replies (5) Good night (2110) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
  Replies (6) Good night (2997) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying. http://tfl.nu/5saj
  Replies (7) Good night (669) Bad night (2741) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
  Replies (18) Good night (3308) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5
  Replies (4) Good night (3406) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key http://tfl.nu/pj3h
  Replies (7) Good night (1675) Bad night (466)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (5977) Bad night (931)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
  Replies (12) Good night (2750) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
  Replies (16) Good night (4843) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (5725) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7393) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour. http://tfl.nu/zhs1
  Replies (4) Good night (2192) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen. http://tfl.nu/nu81
  Replies (6) Good night (1959) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.

  (415): View more from California

  No.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay. (415): No. http://tfl.nu/olk0
  Replies (8) Good night (1656) Bad night (372)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses. http://tfl.nu/z8lp
  Replies (2) Good night (1608) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer," http://tfl.nu/po39
  Replies (6) Good night (2410) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Why didn't I see you last night!?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Why didn't I see you last night!? (1-203): We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you. http://tfl.nu/iqgq
  Replies (6) Good night (4796) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
  Replies (18) Good night (3361) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself. http://tfl.nu/dcvq
  Replies (1) Good night (837) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster http://tfl.nu/bpg2
  Replies (2) Good night (579) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Gong!

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Gong! (1-253): YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT http://tfl.nu/dcri
  Replies (17) Good night (3930) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  why is my forehead so bruised?

  (1+61): View more from

  i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): why is my forehead so bruised? (1+61): i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms. http://tfl.nu/t9yj
  Replies (6) Good night (2005) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil? http://tfl.nu/j8sh
  Replies (5) Good night (1216) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

  (1-928): View more from Arizona

  They dropped the charges?

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Yeppers. Come drink beers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): I deem it safe for us to drink together again. (1-928): They dropped the charges? (928): Yeppers. Come drink beers. http://tfl.nu/va29
  Replies (8) Good night (2578) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself http://tfl.nu/nl6g
  Replies (4) Good night (1290) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
  Replies (19) Good night (4409) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o
  Replies (3) Good night (4511) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love http://tfl.nu/0ny7
  Replies (20) Good night (3226) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
  Replies (9) Good night (2801) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good. http://tfl.nu/j3wb
  Replies (6) Good night (2120) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss. http://tfl.nu/wyge
  Replies (12) Good night (3964) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that. http://tfl.nu/u001
  Replies (12) Good night (1795) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper http://tfl.nu/9t3g
  Replies (12) Good night (1918) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times. http://tfl.nu/ij34
  Replies (4) Good night (2110) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd
  Replies (4) Good night (2765) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things. http://tfl.nu/yy5y
  Replies (11) Good night (2181) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  no drinking for a week

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): no drinking for a week (1-512): if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes http://tfl.nu/kuw5
  Replies (4) Good night (2335) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
  Replies (11) Good night (2529) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely" http://tfl.nu/sd7p
  Replies (27) Good night (1086) Bad night (3241) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear. http://tfl.nu/k7jc
  Replies (17) Good night (3345) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk http://tfl.nu/2uta
  Replies (9) Good night (1912) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies." (401): I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are. http://tfl.nu/26v4
  Replies (17) Good night (4487) Bad night (467)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks http://tfl.nu/xm8f
  Replies (6) Good night (918) Bad night (436)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side. http://tfl.nu/0ask
  Replies (16) Good night (2378) Bad night (473)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not? http://tfl.nu/b1wq
  Replies (47) Good night (4620) Bad night (943)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
  Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (336)
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying. http://tfl.nu/tx1i
  Replies (12) Good night (1744) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior. http://tfl.nu/tu51
  Replies (6) Good night (1297) Bad night (1043) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
  Replies (26) Good night (1625) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar". http://tfl.nu/r1q0
  Replies (6) Good night (1942) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
  Replies (10) Good night (5023) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left. http://tfl.nu/d68g
  Replies (24) Good night (3201) Bad night (1158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone http://tfl.nu/kic6
  Replies (16) Good night (3260) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT. http://tfl.nu/iw7k
  Replies (5) Good night (1970) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good. http://tfl.nu/bkrn
  Replies (2) Good night (3114) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off. http://tfl.nu/7fq9
  Replies (12) Good night (5479) Bad night (607)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk. http://tfl.nu/e4bz
  Replies (12) Good night (715) Bad night (3840)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m
  Replies (17) Good night (2273) Bad night (3779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal http://tfl.nu/dg00
  Replies (10) Good night (3136) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen" http://tfl.nu/038r
  Replies (8) Good night (2425) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
  Replies (15) Good night (5771) Bad night (482)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now. http://tfl.nu/oo06
  Replies (5) Good night (2533) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something. http://tfl.nu/xkf6
  Replies (5) Good night (1853) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality. http://tfl.nu/tw8x
  Replies (7) Good night (1899) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  please bring me a paper towel asap.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): please bring me a paper towel asap. (540): I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do. http://tfl.nu/d1je
  Replies (10) Good night (3303) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall. http://tfl.nu/64r1
  Replies (7) Good night (3851) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
  Replies (10) Good night (4508) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do." http://tfl.nu/0gsj
  Replies (7) Good night (3241) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying. http://tfl.nu/uj2j
  Replies (3) Good night (1799) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
  Replies (9) Good night (3630) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
  Replies (8) Good night (3016) Bad night (516)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me. http://tfl.nu/pfoh
  Replies (7) Good night (2887) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (316): Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip. http://tfl.nu/doru
  Replies (12) Good night (2280) Bad night (363)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (56) Good night (14372) Bad night (533)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (23) Good night (5845) Bad night (424)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
  Replies (8) Good night (3619) Bad night (462)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ... http://tfl.nu/nc8q
  Replies (19) Good night (1857) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
  Replies (12) Good night (4753) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dear god, who put you in a cab?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19. (856): dear god, who put you in a cab? http://tfl.nu/6o92
  Replies (21) Good night (4045) Bad night (621)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won http://tfl.nu/r5as
  Replies (5) Good night (3130) Bad night (394)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me. http://tfl.nu/2k2c
  Replies (11) Good night (2199) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse. (1-757): I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic? http://tfl.nu/c2pk
  Replies (9) Good night (2742) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges. (1-313): Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss. http://tfl.nu/0qrk
  Replies (3) Good night (2863) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/9hze
  Replies (8) Good night (2004) Bad night (397)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this" http://tfl.nu/ckz0
  Replies (6) Good night (970) Bad night (1602)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10% (405): And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar. http://tfl.nu/4y72
  Replies (10) Good night (1981) Bad night (417)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us. http://tfl.nu/883t
  Replies (4) Good night (1504) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
  Replies (20) Good night (3503) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean http://tfl.nu/eek7
  Replies (10) Good night (1683) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed. (412): I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am http://tfl.nu/5n3j
  Replies (9) Good night (2616) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job. http://tfl.nu/yk8c
  Replies (7) Good night (3074) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one. http://tfl.nu/ek2z
  Replies (15) Good night (2720) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up. http://tfl.nu/yb0n
  Replies (9) Good night (617) Bad night (1843)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist" http://tfl.nu/osi4
  Replies (4) Good night (1664) Bad night (332)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept. http://tfl.nu/niyr
  Replies (23) Good night (2911) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
  Replies (23) Good night (4317) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity. http://tfl.nu/72qs
  Replies (16) Good night (2740) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Stop drinking at work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit" (308): Stop drinking at work. http://tfl.nu/v2m5
  Replies (8) Good night (3082) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop. http://tfl.nu/tczb
  Replies (17) Good night (3057) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!". http://tfl.nu/pw3u
  Replies (8) Good night (2926) Bad night (474)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon... http://tfl.nu/u7gi
  Replies (3) Good night (1275) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'? http://tfl.nu/3dip
  Replies (16) Good night (3690) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): 'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?" http://tfl.nu/d6iq
  Replies (6) Good night (1718) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET. http://tfl.nu/2kw0
  Replies (12) Good night (2173) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
  Replies (51) Good night (8741) Bad night (658)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  hungover and i feel like a burrito

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  like eating one or like you are one?

  (850): View more from Florida

  like i am one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): hungover and i feel like a burrito (1-850): like eating one or like you are one? (850): like i am one. http://tfl.nu/h242
  Replies (10) Good night (1991) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse. http://tfl.nu/b0l0
  Replies (5) Good night (1315) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  yeah you don't forget that shit easily

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa
  Replies (11) Good night (4317) Bad night (387)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning. http://tfl.nu/olim
  Replies (7) Good night (2089) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms. http://tfl.nu/m17c
  Replies (6) Good night (2720) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man. http://tfl.nu/8z1d
  Replies (12) Good night (2630) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  what? who is this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER. (610): what? who is this? http://tfl.nu/1mp3
  Replies (12) Good night (2262) Bad night (630)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
  Replies (15) Good night (3653) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman. http://tfl.nu/emjq
  Replies (5) Good night (2489) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (39) Good night (7543) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw
  Replies (18) Good night (2586) Bad night (670)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
  Replies (7) Good night (2829) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason. http://tfl.nu/mydy
  Replies (10) Good night (2594) Bad night (1201)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster? http://tfl.nu/nheu
  Replies (32) Good night (405) Bad night (3818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home. http://tfl.nu/9c0m
  Replies (4) Good night (807) Bad night (1799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited. http://tfl.nu/2tlf
  Replies (19) Good night (6318) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
  Replies (32) Good night (6114) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape. http://tfl.nu/srkz
  Replies (2) Good night (1831) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him. (910): Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer. http://tfl.nu/vb0s
  Replies (4) Good night (1896) Bad night (362)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival.. http://tfl.nu/pwlv
  Replies (6) Good night (1193) Bad night (353)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9
  Replies (9) Good night (5298) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS. http://tfl.nu/gw0q
  Replies (21) Good night (2842) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (628): View more from California

  That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (628): That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM. http://tfl.nu/93q7
  Replies (56) Good night (6432) Bad night (536)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me' http://tfl.nu/06rz
  Replies (7) Good night (5630) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
  Replies (8) Good night (3354) Bad night (968)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow. http://tfl.nu/e8dm
  Replies (7) Good night (2095) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/bitm
  Replies (11) Good night (2608) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door. http://tfl.nu/gl6z
  Replies (7) Good night (2382) Bad night (485)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway. http://tfl.nu/zfm5
  Replies (1) Good night (2167) Bad night (378)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape. http://tfl.nu/qdov
  Replies (7) Good night (2723) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today http://tfl.nu/nnzy
  Replies (2) Good night (1648) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
  Replies (13) Good night (7487) Bad night (504)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
  Replies (10) Good night (5366) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin. http://tfl.nu/p6zj
  Replies (7) Good night (1271) Bad night (1478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow. http://tfl.nu/x1mn
  Replies (11) Good night (3477) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

  (1-618): View more from Illinois

  We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it? (1-618): We wouldn't be friends if you didn't. http://tfl.nu/4027
  Replies (6) Good night (2537) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield http://tfl.nu/quct
  Replies (5) Good night (997) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (8) Good night (2827) Bad night (505)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe. http://tfl.nu/wokx
  Replies (2) Good night (1085) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (3596) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you. (270): No, that's okay. Don't worry about it. (618): Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway. http://tfl.nu/gcov
  Replies (43) Good night (3191) Bad night (943)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

  (1-704): View more from North Carolina

  I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, you are the most awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket. (1-704): I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court. (704): Dude, you are the most awesome. http://tfl.nu/z7ku
  Replies (16) Good night (2767) Bad night (375)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me. http://tfl.nu/5z1z
  Replies (3) Good night (1730) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me. http://tfl.nu/xef4
  Replies (8) Good night (1922) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted. http://tfl.nu/mn0k
  Replies (14) Good night (1804) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns". http://tfl.nu/398g
  Replies (12) Good night (2228) Bad night (675)
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist. http://tfl.nu/bzfc
  Replies (8) Good night (3502) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me. http://tfl.nu/0mf7
  Replies (6) Good night (1379) Bad night (539)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Come on man nobody wants to admit that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night? (1-925): Come on man nobody wants to admit that http://tfl.nu/8oz0
  Replies (7) Good night (2659) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks http://tfl.nu/gqzi
  Replies (11) Good night (2993) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls http://tfl.nu/v5lo
  Replies (7) Good night (1622) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams http://tfl.nu/9pxu
  Replies (4) Good night (2045) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light. http://tfl.nu/vezf
  Replies (4) Good night (2353) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement http://tfl.nu/ql20
  Replies (21) Good night (2895) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (575): You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup. http://tfl.nu/dggj
  Replies (4) Good night (3689) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away. http://tfl.nu/k6q1
  Replies (13) Good night (5705) Bad night (386)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you http://tfl.nu/5ffo
  Replies (4) Good night (2224) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom http://tfl.nu/jd2y
  Replies (5) Good night (405) Bad night (1862) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

  (747): View more from California

  Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks. (747): Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either. http://tfl.nu/6mbq
  Replies (22) Good night (3591) Bad night (436)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless. http://tfl.nu/zvko
  Replies (5) Good night (1259) Bad night (552)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier. http://tfl.nu/icz2
  Replies (9) Good night (3327) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
  Replies (8) Good night (4602) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome. http://tfl.nu/x3tk
  Replies (11) Good night (2281) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

  (1-714): View more from California

  If he was naked that was me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed. (1-714): If he was naked that was me. http://tfl.nu/ou2y
  Replies (10) Good night (4340) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B. http://tfl.nu/djpk
  Replies (12) Good night (2389) Bad night (1219)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/jdnb
  Replies (23) Good night (4957) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house? http://tfl.nu/uvha
  Replies (12) Good night (552) Bad night (1822)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/167e
  Replies (5) Good night (588) Bad night (1775) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes. http://tfl.nu/7d2r
  Replies (2) Good night (1600) Bad night (372)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing http://tfl.nu/dbp3
  Replies (6) Good night (1007) Bad night (2172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless. http://tfl.nu/cdoe
  Replies (9) Good night (2699) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever. http://tfl.nu/bzzy
  Replies (6) Good night (3520) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me. http://tfl.nu/r0al
  Replies (8) Good night (2693) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were... http://tfl.nu/299s
  Replies (8) Good night (2808) Bad night (411)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
  Replies (12) Good night (4095) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (11) Good night (3489) Bad night (402)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point. http://tfl.nu/cgpy
  Replies (11) Good night (1141) Bad night (380)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald. http://tfl.nu/pb1j
  Replies (4) Good night (1970) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them http://tfl.nu/vo2h
  Replies (13) Good night (2287) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents http://tfl.nu/f104
  Replies (48) Good night (947) Bad night (2983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god http://tfl.nu/bbiq
  Replies (9) Good night (1315) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay http://tfl.nu/pdwa
  Replies (5) Good night (682) Bad night (1662)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight." http://tfl.nu/7mfw
  Replies (21) Good night (1901) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring. http://tfl.nu/lp7n
  Replies (3) Good night (1895) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay. http://tfl.nu/sfnl
  Replies (6) Good night (1032) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures... (757): I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out http://tfl.nu/xej3
  Replies (6) Good night (2037) Bad night (378)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room. http://tfl.nu/k8xh
  Replies (16) Good night (2618) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
  Replies (10) Good night (2166) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

  (407): View more from Florida

  That's called being sensitive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now." (407): That's called being sensitive. http://tfl.nu/l8tt
  Replies (6) Good night (1599) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room http://tfl.nu/c34s
  Replies (5) Good night (2943) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number. http://tfl.nu/j9e9
  Replies (20) Good night (3274) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Oh God.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT??? (1-919): Oh God. http://tfl.nu/z02g
  Replies (20) Good night (4080) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility. http://tfl.nu/wqgl
  Replies (13) Good night (2366) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
  Replies (7) Good night (3623) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown? http://tfl.nu/ay3b
  Replies (4) Good night (1176) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (12) Good night (7656) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it. http://tfl.nu/n6h2
  Replies (18) Good night (3205) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you. http://tfl.nu/n7q4
  Replies (3) Good night (1593) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures. http://tfl.nu/juvj
  Replies (7) Good night (2416) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised? (860): Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time http://tfl.nu/9nef
  Replies (2) Good night (1896) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US (+44): Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange. http://tfl.nu/699w
  Replies (2) Good night (1827) Bad night (366)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling. http://tfl.nu/bvbt
  Replies (6) Good night (1830) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling. http://tfl.nu/jjpj
  Replies (33) Good night (2043) Bad night (869)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE http://tfl.nu/zykk
  Replies (7) Good night (1764) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK. http://tfl.nu/2pqx
  Replies (3) Good night (1898) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday http://tfl.nu/6yij
  Replies (2) Good night (2003) Bad night (364)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
  Replies (24) Good night (3169) Bad night (591)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think http://tfl.nu/90ww
  Replies (8) Good night (2094) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
  Replies (11) Good night (3172) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
  Replies (10) Good night (4593) Bad night (417)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to decorate you...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair. (1-269): I just wanted to decorate you... http://tfl.nu/gax7
  Replies (8) Good night (3053) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup http://tfl.nu/ujf4
  Replies (8) Good night (1299) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): 1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow! http://tfl.nu/fjak
  Replies (9) Good night (2394) Bad night (987)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child http://tfl.nu/qzf1
  Replies (4) Good night (2457) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain. http://tfl.nu/4t48
  Replies (11) Good night (2028) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
  Replies (13) Good night (4569) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry. http://tfl.nu/57v9
  Replies (3) Good night (2253) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  the wall and i were having dominance issues.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm
  Replies (7) Good night (1783) Bad night (1132) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur http://tfl.nu/llqd
  Replies (8) Good night (4209) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog. http://tfl.nu/clzo
  Replies (3) Good night (1372) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  how did i know this would happen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN (1-412): how did i know this would happen? http://tfl.nu/2nli
  Replies (8) Good night (1603) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay. http://tfl.nu/s25q
  Replies (7) Good night (3523) Bad night (691)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me http://tfl.nu/adub
  Replies (6) Good night (3644) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper. http://tfl.nu/qsqq
  Replies (7) Good night (1844) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana. http://tfl.nu/zk8n
  Replies (6) Good night (2598) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet http://tfl.nu/acf5
  Replies (1) Good night (1880) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation. http://tfl.nu/dzey
  Replies (5) Good night (2015) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog. http://tfl.nu/f78e
  Replies (5) Good night (1973) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits. http://tfl.nu/xzwv
  Replies (4) Good night (2051) Bad night (468)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again... http://tfl.nu/evlz
  Replies (8) Good night (1106) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants. http://tfl.nu/zsuu
  Replies (2) Good night (1011) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong http://tfl.nu/nuya
  Replies (6) Good night (3364) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF http://tfl.nu/7zg4
  Replies (20) Good night (2918) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out http://tfl.nu/lg4i
  Replies (7) Good night (1821) Bad night (458)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful http://tfl.nu/kqdo
  Replies (11) Good night (2679) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fear?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  FEAR.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear. (781): Fear? (617): FEAR. http://tfl.nu/5mzi
  Replies (5) Good night (2321) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger. http://tfl.nu/jvyn
  Replies (3) Good night (1501) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
  Replies (13) Good night (3646) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested. (1-251): Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling. http://tfl.nu/pby0
  Replies (9) Good night (2850) Bad night (477)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten. http://tfl.nu/1asa
  Replies (12) Good night (5139) Bad night (424)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation. http://tfl.nu/vr82
  Replies (18) Good night (535) Bad night (2898)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME http://tfl.nu/5t87
  Replies (2) Good night (1770) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!? http://tfl.nu/h2a2
  Replies (9) Good night (3035) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I was always good at matching as a child.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her. (614): I was always good at matching as a child. http://tfl.nu/vx3e
  Replies (5) Good night (3317) Bad night (340)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium. http://tfl.nu/lfpo
  Replies (8) Good night (4267) Bad night (465)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on. http://tfl.nu/4qlm
  Replies (9) Good night (4200) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant! http://tfl.nu/ns2k
  Replies (7) Good night (3940) Bad night (443)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene. http://tfl.nu/3l38
  Replies (8) Good night (3734) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad http://tfl.nu/q1tx
  Replies (16) Good night (2830) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you http://tfl.nu/d6cu
  Replies (8) Good night (765) Bad night (2553)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

  (773): View more from Illinois

  SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex (773): SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard? http://tfl.nu/5vnv
  Replies (19) Good night (3078) Bad night (512)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain http://tfl.nu/81b4
  Replies (2) Good night (1512) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool. http://tfl.nu/xgys
  Replies (3) Good night (2027) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS http://tfl.nu/8cgs
  Replies (2) Good night (2107) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

  (1-916): View more from California

  Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room? (1-916): Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne. http://tfl.nu/vsj8
  Replies (10) Good night (4513) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
  Replies (33) Good night (6270) Bad night (1390)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (18) Good night (4484) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/6h34
  Replies (17) Good night (1738) Bad night (2161)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face http://tfl.nu/qofd
  Replies (9) Good night (1707) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked http://tfl.nu/kcmn
  Replies (24) Good night (4718) Bad night (1580)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (8) Good night (3754) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar http://tfl.nu/rbaw
  Replies (9) Good night (2329) Bad night (473)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
  Replies (5) Good night (2205) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Blow your rape whistle

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar (1-336): Blow your rape whistle http://tfl.nu/5qj3
  Replies (21) Good night (2633) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza
  Replies (20) Good night (5691) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me. http://tfl.nu/26ae
  Replies (7) Good night (2959) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
  Replies (9) Good night (4705) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
  Replies (5) Good night (4330) Bad night (414)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again. http://tfl.nu/cfdh
  Replies (7) Good night (1766) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker http://tfl.nu/tvqf
  Replies (8) Good night (2580) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): 2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless. http://tfl.nu/7smn
  Replies (16) Good night (3715) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/xrml
  Replies (6) Good night (2718) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me. http://tfl.nu/x609
  Replies (5) Good night (2188) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
  Replies (12) Good night (3403) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out. http://tfl.nu/58i4
  Replies (3) Good night (2307) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face http://tfl.nu/hkq0
  Replies (5) Good night (1992) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
  Replies (5) Good night (4256) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind. http://tfl.nu/y5d8
  Replies (15) Good night (3698) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace http://tfl.nu/njta
  Replies (7) Good night (2436) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (26) Good night (9301) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/yiek
  Replies (8) Good night (792) Bad night (1822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay. http://tfl.nu/0328
  Replies (6) Good night (1003) Bad night (1079)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god. http://tfl.nu/nsks
  Replies (8) Good night (2130) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas! http://tfl.nu/f207
  Replies (9) Good night (2986) Bad night (526)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
  Replies (28) Good night (7489) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by. http://tfl.nu/hvbu
  Replies (14) Good night (2838) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

  (845): View more from New York

  Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help. (845): Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me. http://tfl.nu/1wp4
  Replies (5) Good night (2645) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake. http://tfl.nu/2ev4
  Replies (8) Good night (2559) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king http://tfl.nu/c906
  Replies (8) Good night (1653) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that. http://tfl.nu/0n60
  Replies (9) Good night (2498) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend. http://tfl.nu/myz5
  Replies (7) Good night (2947) Bad night (412)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly.... http://tfl.nu/m1mg
  Replies (6) Good night (924) Bad night (1474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
  Replies (15) Good night (6236) Bad night (686)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi. http://tfl.nu/hd9g
  Replies (9) Good night (3229) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/wyc5
  Replies (7) Good night (3458) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it? http://tfl.nu/l4jt
  Replies (13) Good night (2083) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias http://tfl.nu/7mik
  Replies (6) Good night (3249) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
  Replies (17) Good night (4904) Bad night (607)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella. http://tfl.nu/jiup
  Replies (35) Good night (2733) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome http://tfl.nu/b710
  Replies (10) Good night (1681) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night. http://tfl.nu/uygn
  Replies (6) Good night (3210) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait. http://tfl.nu/lp7a
  Replies (5) Good night (2304) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2
  Replies (11) Good night (3513) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it http://tfl.nu/h3ck
  Replies (6) Good night (3809) Bad night (1278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+64): I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked. http://tfl.nu/59qo
  Replies (5) Good night (3198) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something. http://tfl.nu/b077
  Replies (14) Good night (4215) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real. http://tfl.nu/8edz
  Replies (7) Good night (2170) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS. http://tfl.nu/nces
  Replies (4) Good night (1958) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate. http://tfl.nu/kfhp
  Replies (7) Good night (3666) Bad night (418)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving... http://tfl.nu/0z2j
  Replies (16) Good night (1309) Bad night (1455)
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r
  Replies (29) Good night (5391) Bad night (804)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them. http://tfl.nu/3t7j
  Replies (3) Good night (1914) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today? http://tfl.nu/iuhq
  Replies (9) Good night (4043) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad. http://tfl.nu/q4da
  Replies (6) Good night (2078) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
  Replies (7) Good night (4551) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill http://tfl.nu/bzs5
  Replies (9) Good night (2777) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests. http://tfl.nu/dptn
  Replies (9) Good night (3813) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv
  Replies (8) Good night (7246) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking. http://tfl.nu/jryu
  Replies (25) Good night (5651) Bad night (507)
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler. http://tfl.nu/mskj
  Replies (5) Good night (2311) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio. http://tfl.nu/i0fo
  Replies (6) Good night (1937) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/6bqy
  Replies (15) Good night (4462) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob" http://tfl.nu/t96e
  Replies (15) Good night (4214) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.' http://tfl.nu/vhcz
  Replies (5) Good night (2267) Bad night (1269) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off http://tfl.nu/4yxi
  Replies (5) Good night (2499) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
  Replies (22) Good night (3968) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/u3v1
  Replies (8) Good night (3845) Bad night (526)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero. http://tfl.nu/osga
  Replies (5) Good night (3157) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject. http://tfl.nu/69m3
  Replies (7) Good night (1125) Bad night (1955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!' http://tfl.nu/lcp1
  Replies (14) Good night (4580) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting. http://tfl.nu/vtlx
  Replies (6) Good night (1699) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you. http://tfl.nu/lwwd
  Replies (6) Good night (3743) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect. http://tfl.nu/w6ad
  Replies (17) Good night (965) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

  (607): View more from New York

  Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9
  Replies (7) Good night (5480) Bad night (643)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish. http://tfl.nu/b1hn
  Replies (20) Good night (10889) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz
  Replies (9) Good night (5750) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay. http://tfl.nu/5u6r
  Replies (10) Good night (4086) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

  (631): View more from New York

  i got hit in the ear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby. (631): i got hit in the ear. http://tfl.nu/qr8z
  Replies (6) Good night (2044) Bad night (830)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Hopefully she would park on my face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there. (1-919): Hopefully she would park on my face. http://tfl.nu/4722
  Replies (21) Good night (5845) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks. http://tfl.nu/zakx
  Replies (3) Good night (2282) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter http://tfl.nu/6hrd
  Replies (5) Good night (2311) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did mom hear me barking???

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  sooo high. sooo many dog friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): did mom hear me barking??? (267): oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one (215): sooo high. sooo many dog friends http://tfl.nu/gyg5
  Replies (6) Good night (3222) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese. http://tfl.nu/bzrb
  Replies (7) Good night (3001) Bad night (590)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
  Replies (6) Good night (2814) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency http://tfl.nu/yuks
  Replies (10) Good night (3579) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned. http://tfl.nu/myfn
  Replies (17) Good night (3661) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week http://tfl.nu/vfml
  Replies (12) Good night (2709) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea http://tfl.nu/734q
  Replies (7) Good night (1842) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind" http://tfl.nu/73d5
  Replies (14) Good night (2576) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you. http://tfl.nu/crxb
  Replies (9) Good night (3009) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (580): I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever! http://tfl.nu/u7rz
  Replies (6) Good night (3083) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm http://tfl.nu/1h6h
  Replies (2) Good night (2614) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize. http://tfl.nu/yage
  Replies (5) Good night (2390) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown http://tfl.nu/vz9q
  Replies (12) Good night (2928) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre. http://tfl.nu/gzcq
  Replies (5) Good night (2200) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (742): View more from

  What happened last night?

  (1-742): View more from

  You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (742): What happened last night? (1-742): You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth. http://tfl.nu/koqa
  Replies (5) Good night (597) Bad night (4612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): We found a swing set....it's in the front yard. http://tfl.nu/rzxv
  Replies (7) Good night (2021) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly' http://tfl.nu/5ixk
  Replies (5) Good night (3245) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you. http://tfl.nu/6wwz
  Replies (5) Good night (1606) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert? http://tfl.nu/uki8
  Replies (4) Good night (2167) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes http://tfl.nu/5pp7
  Replies (5) Good night (2382) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
  Replies (5) Good night (3567) Bad night (379)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water http://tfl.nu/p9in
  Replies (6) Good night (2233) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge. http://tfl.nu/26oy
  Replies (14) Good night (4482) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably http://tfl.nu/eax2
  Replies (6) Good night (1150) Bad night (1976) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3581) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much" http://tfl.nu/w7s7
  Replies (3) Good night (4847) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3488) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight http://tfl.nu/0wae
  Replies (1) Good night (1315) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
  Replies (8) Good night (3426) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices". http://tfl.nu/tgpv
  Replies (4) Good night (2620) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body. http://tfl.nu/ulji
  Replies (18) Good night (2810) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past. (616): I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures? http://tfl.nu/o51k
  Replies (4) Good night (2512) Bad night (1037)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year. http://tfl.nu/jiz9
  Replies (11) Good night (3491) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it? http://tfl.nu/zi0h
  Replies (6) Good night (3215) Bad night (716)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up. http://tfl.nu/3kb7
  Replies (21) Good night (3952) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up. (816): Sorry about that. Except for the cookies. http://tfl.nu/ub9m
  Replies (6) Good night (2719) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it http://tfl.nu/vptm
  Replies (7) Good night (3015) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
  Replies (9) Good night (2983) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices. http://tfl.nu/flw8
  Replies (6) Good night (2517) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished http://tfl.nu/t99v
  Replies (8) Good night (2821) Bad night (487)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0
  Replies (16) Good night (3404) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues. http://tfl.nu/n3ga
  Replies (13) Good night (4266) Bad night (1268)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all http://tfl.nu/t0uz
  Replies (11) Good night (2890) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Every day of my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer? (1-513): Every day of my life. http://tfl.nu/2brt
  Replies (12) Good night (4303) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something http://tfl.nu/479k
  Replies (27) Good night (631) Bad night (2616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
  Replies (7) Good night (2808) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go http://tfl.nu/3dxd
  Replies (8) Good night (6539) Bad night (589)
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/xhhe
  Replies (25) Good night (795) Bad night (5955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
  Replies (7) Good night (3369) Bad night (1571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
  Replies (6) Good night (3138) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
  Replies (14) Good night (5640) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep http://tfl.nu/2p4s
  Replies (17) Good night (5305) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  This beer is not sobering me up at all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8
  Replies (13) Good night (7286) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles. http://tfl.nu/osg1
  Replies (69) Good night (9146) Bad night (2715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals. http://tfl.nu/kw2o
  Replies (13) Good night (4833) Bad night (595)
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that http://tfl.nu/vsra
  Replies (33) Good night (5402) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
  Replies (17) Good night (5869) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
  Replies (126) Good night (22030) Bad night (1353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times http://tfl.nu/2nqn
  Replies (6) Good night (2667) Bad night (721)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape. http://tfl.nu/eyxg
  Replies (14) Good night (1236) Bad night (4194) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l
  Replies (3) Good night (5456) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
  Replies (30) Good night (3758) Bad night (821)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
  Replies (10) Good night (4320) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore. http://tfl.nu/r68q
  Replies (14) Good night (3797) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy? http://tfl.nu/obto
  Replies (12) Good night (741) Bad night (4782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned. http://tfl.nu/n40z
  Replies (57) Good night (6990) Bad night (1432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person" http://tfl.nu/45pt
  Replies (3) Good night (802) Bad night (1795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in. http://tfl.nu/jhqc
  Replies (7) Good night (3607) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz
  Replies (12) Good night (7445) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (12575) Bad night (891)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you? http://tfl.nu/6gws
  Replies (4) Good night (3042) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality? http://tfl.nu/z0do
  Replies (11) Good night (2404) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
  Replies (13) Good night (5558) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
  Replies (16) Good night (3875) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero... http://tfl.nu/xsvf
  Replies (17) Good night (5964) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x
  Replies (14) Good night (4743) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  He's been sleeping iwht ***

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Nooo

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

  (816): View more from Missouri

  And then hit her in the face with a shovel

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): He's been sleeping iwht *** (1-816): Nooo (816): Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb (816): And then hit her in the face with a shovel http://tfl.nu/a1q0
  Replies (3) Good night (584) Bad night (1538)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy
  Replies (13) Good night (5879) Bad night (873) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper. http://tfl.nu/yyzx
  Replies (14) Good night (5877) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on. http://tfl.nu/tb1p
  Replies (21) Good night (547) Bad night (4980)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from England

  Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food. http://tfl.nu/05sf
  Replies (20) Good night (3294) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  ID DO HER

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): ID DO HER (1-904): SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK http://tfl.nu/y38s
  Replies (17) Good night (398) Bad night (6380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
  Replies (18) Good night (6473) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Um...??

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She's excited

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight (1-402): Um...?? (402): She's excited http://tfl.nu/c04o
  Replies (2) Good night (416) Bad night (1010)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables http://tfl.nu/m9ex
  Replies (27) Good night (5888) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere http://tfl.nu/6t7j
  Replies (9) Good night (2776) Bad night (873) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
  Replies (19) Good night (7009) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
  Replies (14) Good night (7396) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids http://tfl.nu/0arl
  Replies (11) Good night (635) Bad night (933)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
  Replies (81) Good night (8241) Bad night (735)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
  Replies (5) Good night (4631) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+49): View more from Germany

  i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+49): i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve. http://tfl.nu/21ct
  Replies (7) Good night (2686) Bad night (471)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it. http://tfl.nu/eqvw
  Replies (66) Good night (1456) Bad night (3523) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious. http://tfl.nu/hyyw
  Replies (26) Good night (3733) Bad night (949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics http://tfl.nu/1cmu
  Replies (13) Good night (4536) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos. http://tfl.nu/o4i1
  Replies (25) Good night (3028) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster http://tfl.nu/810i
  Replies (9) Good night (2428) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
  Replies (9) Good night (7116) Bad night (696)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
  Replies (47) Good night (6044) Bad night (1812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike. http://tfl.nu/qggw
  Replies (19) Good night (6318) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking. http://tfl.nu/rroe
  Replies (24) Good night (2189) Bad night (4358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I stole a bike. Here's a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight. (513): I stole a bike. Here's a pic http://tfl.nu/v50c
  Replies (10) Good night (3109) Bad night (635)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
  Replies (210) Good night (30380) Bad night (2544)
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone. http://tfl.nu/lyyb
  Replies (31) Good night (610) Bad night (4460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly. http://tfl.nu/3gr1
  Replies (23) Good night (4783) Bad night (349)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you. http://tfl.nu/jevr
  Replies (6) Good night (3322) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet?? http://tfl.nu/wkxa
  Replies (39) Good night (1051) Bad night (5244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low http://tfl.nu/wg0q
  Replies (24) Good night (563) Bad night (3998)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me.. http://tfl.nu/onqg
  Replies (2) Good night (2852) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil http://tfl.nu/8mk8
  Replies (10) Good night (1565) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup. http://tfl.nu/y9af
  Replies (15) Good night (5193) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
  Replies (11) Good night (4888) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'. http://tfl.nu/j3su
  Replies (11) Good night (3310) Bad night (1197) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they're like a gay fantastic four

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): they're like a gay fantastic four http://tfl.nu/6w8u
  Replies (15) Good night (2067) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties http://tfl.nu/ywu8
  Replies (16) Good night (4859) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/spf0
  Replies (4) Good night (3088) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom. http://tfl.nu/b4pt
  Replies (24) Good night (6206) Bad night (1691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr
  Replies (16) Good night (4535) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass. http://tfl.nu/p9f8
  Replies (10) Good night (997) Bad night (2339) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch. http://tfl.nu/snc7
  Replies (10) Good night (4384) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups. http://tfl.nu/3y6t
  Replies (16) Good night (3546) Bad night (893)
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk." http://tfl.nu/3sim
  Replies (9) Good night (3025) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face. http://tfl.nu/62jc
  Replies (11) Good night (3599) Bad night (1277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next http://tfl.nu/7632
  Replies (9) Good night (728) Bad night (3366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?! http://tfl.nu/umwb
  Replies (7) Good night (3599) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this? http://tfl.nu/8b98
  Replies (7) Good night (2206) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow http://tfl.nu/myf2
  Replies (10) Good night (3781) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night. http://tfl.nu/ytje
  Replies (6) Good night (3691) Bad night (882) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
  Replies (13) Good night (6455) Bad night (1490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester. http://tfl.nu/ggyj
  Replies (39) Good night (2531) Bad night (4698)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon. http://tfl.nu/t0p2
  Replies (5) Good night (4331) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates http://tfl.nu/oxez
  Replies (12) Good night (6744) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look http://tfl.nu/7aaf
  Replies (14) Good night (3945) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I? http://tfl.nu/r6dy
  Replies (19) Good night (1687) Bad night (3248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint. http://tfl.nu/dk3f
  Replies (14) Good night (1154) Bad night (2533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success. http://tfl.nu/9gb8
  Replies (8) Good night (3503) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system http://tfl.nu/uwvr
  Replies (12) Good night (2405) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY. http://tfl.nu/nqby
  Replies (30) Good night (1399) Bad night (7054) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers http://tfl.nu/m8b0
  Replies (9) Good night (611) Bad night (1652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
  Replies (25) Good night (10386) Bad night (555)
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
  Replies (9) Good night (3964) Bad night (493)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me. http://tfl.nu/ey2n
  Replies (16) Good night (5320) Bad night (1456)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
  Replies (9) Good night (5549) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign. http://tfl.nu/j53c
  Replies (7) Good night (2945) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY http://tfl.nu/5weu
  Replies (8) Good night (2001) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit. http://tfl.nu/3bxb
  Replies (20) Good night (3470) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d
  Replies (40) Good night (6892) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE! http://tfl.nu/i7pp
  Replies (14) Good night (4193) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me http://tfl.nu/nb38
  Replies (6) Good night (2471) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46
  Replies (12) Good night (4731) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life. http://tfl.nu/olll
  Replies (5) Good night (3322) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead. http://tfl.nu/smv5
  Replies (20) Good night (3179) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add http://tfl.nu/yo24
  Replies (6) Good night (2807) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library http://tfl.nu/bbu0
  Replies (6) Good night (2913) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor http://tfl.nu/o59i
  Replies (25) Good night (3780) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with http://tfl.nu/73j2
  Replies (6) Good night (2837) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho http://tfl.nu/j100
  Replies (3) Good night (2650) Bad night (996) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (61): View more from Australia

  who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (61): who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class http://tfl.nu/g4lj
  Replies (6) Good night (4128) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
  Replies (19) Good night (3487) Bad night (1026) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/p4l3
  Replies (6) Good night (2833) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub http://tfl.nu/zgaw
  Replies (7) Good night (3407) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class http://tfl.nu/fiu2
  Replies (12) Good night (4053) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me. http://tfl.nu/y2d7
  Replies (5) Good night (1080) Bad night (1859) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst. http://tfl.nu/n2zz
  Replies (6) Good night (2668) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck. http://tfl.nu/z7fe
  Replies (21) Good night (7866) Bad night (593)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh http://tfl.nu/jb8q
  Replies (19) Good night (2775) Bad night (1128)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): 1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey http://tfl.nu/ks1h
  Replies (3) Good night (3596) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door. http://tfl.nu/5l3p
  Replies (5) Good night (2592) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table. http://tfl.nu/8dv6
  Replies (7) Good night (3974) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me. http://tfl.nu/wt0v
  Replies (9) Good night (1675) Bad night (3153) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? http://tfl.nu/qlm2
  Replies (22) Good night (4886) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me. http://tfl.nu/mf2b
  Replies (11) Good night (2717) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming". http://tfl.nu/90md
  Replies (4) Good night (1630) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker http://tfl.nu/hydd
  Replies (11) Good night (2634) Bad night (2389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening. http://tfl.nu/zy8e
  Replies (26) Good night (1003) Bad night (7717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well... http://tfl.nu/dwtt
  Replies (15) Good night (1040) Bad night (2849) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM. http://tfl.nu/yhvq
  Replies (30) Good night (6598) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success. http://tfl.nu/kq4s
  Replies (8) Good night (2859) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets. http://tfl.nu/5i0f
  Replies (7) Good night (5748) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  You're like the curious george of whores

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): You're like the curious george of whores http://tfl.nu/l01l
  Replies (5) Good night (3273) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me http://tfl.nu/qlti
  Replies (13) Good night (5000) Bad night (954)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign. http://tfl.nu/yitg
  Replies (10) Good night (2924) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno. http://tfl.nu/gxse
  Replies (10) Good night (5453) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila? http://tfl.nu/e4mt
  Replies (7) Good night (3138) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party http://tfl.nu/f5te
  Replies (7) Good night (3093) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break." http://tfl.nu/3ss4
  Replies (11) Good night (4299) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/lil1
  Replies (7) Good night (3412) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos. http://tfl.nu/cmhg
  Replies (11) Good night (5056) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point http://tfl.nu/9yf5
  Replies (7) Good night (1223) Bad night (3105) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
  Replies (11) Good night (8051) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
  Replies (9) Good night (6094) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro. http://tfl.nu/rmdo
  Replies (5) Good night (4279) Bad night (523)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
  Replies (37) Good night (12488) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!" http://tfl.nu/fyfv
  Replies (10) Good night (1436) Bad night (3156) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry. http://tfl.nu/kj1j
  Replies (2) Good night (2634) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried. http://tfl.nu/p6ag
  Replies (13) Good night (2222) Bad night (4175) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes. http://tfl.nu/38if
  Replies (11) Good night (4143) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you http://tfl.nu/iz7v
  Replies (6) Good night (3575) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup. http://tfl.nu/dysq
  Replies (10) Good night (2851) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc
  Replies (6) Good night (5092) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
  Replies (15) Good night (5286) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability http://tfl.nu/xeg6
  Replies (1) Good night (1968) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/2isj
  Replies (9) Good night (2798) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
  Replies (15) Good night (5402) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes http://tfl.nu/pban
  Replies (21) Good night (4508) Bad night (1216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well. http://tfl.nu/5wox
  Replies (11) Good night (3216) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I slept with him to see his dog one last time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I slept with him to see his dog one last time http://tfl.nu/kvlf
  Replies (22) Good night (4061) Bad night (1044) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): when I sang my humps to you I meant it. http://tfl.nu/9lvg
  Replies (2) Good night (3115) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine http://tfl.nu/b7i2
  Replies (2) Good night (2539) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once. http://tfl.nu/besu
  Replies (16) Good night (1530) Bad night (2707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
  Replies (12) Good night (7244) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/6k18
  Replies (6) Good night (2625) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?" http://tfl.nu/2uiv
  Replies (22) Good night (795) Bad night (3386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
  Replies (9) Good night (5191) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night. http://tfl.nu/zpas
  Replies (11) Good night (3489) Bad night (1851) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal. http://tfl.nu/pm4h
  Replies (4) Good night (1080) Bad night (2680) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble. http://tfl.nu/uwsi
  Replies (6) Good night (3048) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
  Replies (7) Good night (4948) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice http://tfl.nu/pivk
  Replies (8) Good night (3354) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent. http://tfl.nu/hcxv
  Replies (8) Good night (3767) Bad night (695)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts http://tfl.nu/hxut
  Replies (4) Good night (3439) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages. http://tfl.nu/yro9
  Replies (8) Good night (3148) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools http://tfl.nu/2rog
  Replies (2) Good night (3016) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter. http://tfl.nu/55jx
  Replies (4) Good night (2779) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
  Replies (61) Good night (18548) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
  Replies (38) Good night (18746) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
  Replies (41) Good night (19101) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
  Replies (65) Good night (18932) Bad night (720)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
  Replies (130) Good night (19413) Bad night (1777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
  Replies (75) Good night (20485) Bad night (2016) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
  Replies (56) Good night (20007) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (23963) Bad night (1287)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
  Replies (47) Good night (27348) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
  Replies (82) Good night (25525) Bad night (1108)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
  Replies (45) Good night (27369) Bad night (1659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
  Replies (84) Good night (26431) Bad night (799)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
  Replies (41) Good night (29535) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
  Replies (107) Good night (31244) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
  Replies (40) Good night (34723) Bad night (1079)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (177) Good night (34627) Bad night (4466)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
  Replies (50) Good night (35012) Bad night (1368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (109) Good night (36353) Bad night (2650)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (36478) Bad night (1530)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
  Replies (76) Good night (36279) Bad night (1305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (83) Good night (38096) Bad night (1658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (76) Good night (41851) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
  Replies (199) Good night (42696) Bad night (3602) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
  Replies (49) Good night (45255) Bad night (1014)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
  Replies (106) Good night (47505) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (171) Good night (49208) Bad night (5110)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (48558) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (46880) Bad night (1718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (49048) Bad night (2219) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
  Replies (60) Good night (53385) Bad night (915)
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (208) Good night (49122) Bad night (2151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
  Replies (207) Good night (59247) Bad night (1918) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (232) Good night (61989) Bad night (2128)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (52) Good night (68150) Bad night (1686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (114) Good night (62692) Bad night (3539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69180) Bad night (1982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82808) Bad night (7565)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
  Replies (202) Good night (112750) Bad night (2647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (124) Good night (122214) Bad night (2212) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
  Replies (375) Good night (124215) Bad night (3440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136701) Bad night (8407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1608) Good night (161224) Bad night (40082) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (468) Good night (165217) Bad night (6020) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (484) Good night (128176) Bad night (5059)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
  Replies (5) Good night (1063) Bad night (2572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired http://tfl.nu/1gf1
  Replies (18) Good night (3828) Bad night (1475) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out" http://tfl.nu/ac7g
  Replies (3) Good night (2521) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
  Replies (16) Good night (5870) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
  Replies (9) Good night (3689) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad http://tfl.nu/t0b7
  Replies (14) Good night (889) Bad night (2305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/am8n
  Replies (11) Good night (5036) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys http://tfl.nu/1mtc
  Replies (2) Good night (2198) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot. http://tfl.nu/hre1
  Replies (14) Good night (3401) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner. http://tfl.nu/pwti
  Replies (7) Good night (3257) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
  Replies (11) Good night (5070) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
  Replies (20) Good night (13842) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends http://tfl.nu/lr33
  Replies (26) Good night (6185) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv
  Replies (12) Good night (4002) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill. http://tfl.nu/mtxw
  Replies (6) Good night (3064) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
  Replies (21) Good night (7667) Bad night (1129) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
  Replies (9) Good night (4366) Bad night (692)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!" http://tfl.nu/l7rl
  Replies (19) Good night (4168) Bad night (1766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
  Replies (14) Good night (6574) Bad night (912)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/rwph
  Replies (19) Good night (1299) Bad night (4680) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency http://tfl.nu/qlw6
  Replies (18) Good night (2615) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday. http://tfl.nu/lawx
  Replies (14) Good night (2789) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
  Replies (20) Good night (6917) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
  Replies (4) Good night (4553) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats. http://tfl.nu/tu2s
  Replies (17) Good night (4284) Bad night (1324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight http://tfl.nu/0tps
  Replies (25) Good night (1347) Bad night (5471)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/x7um
  Replies (7) Good night (2990) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
  Replies (9) Good night (6312) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend? http://tfl.nu/fd94
  Replies (8) Good night (5369) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car.. http://tfl.nu/4cqo
  Replies (11) Good night (2994) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
  Replies (23) Good night (5625) Bad night (1218)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
  Replies (6) Good night (3682) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands. http://tfl.nu/f2kb
  Replies (12) Good night (3616) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. http://tfl.nu/ev5h
  Replies (5) Good night (4923) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
  Replies (30) Good night (13834) Bad night (814)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible http://tfl.nu/x1el
  Replies (8) Good night (3856) Bad night (1225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes http://tfl.nu/1teg
  Replies (8) Good night (3960) Bad night (515)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/0up7
  Replies (17) Good night (3628) Bad night (1202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room http://tfl.nu/yi7m
  Replies (13) Good night (1125) Bad night (3492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky http://tfl.nu/aofd
  Replies (17) Good night (4269) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
  Replies (11) Good night (7318) Bad night (712)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up... http://tfl.nu/nkqy
  Replies (13) Good night (2668) Bad night (2301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour.... http://tfl.nu/achx
  Replies (6) Good night (3666) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking" http://tfl.nu/px7k
  Replies (11) Good night (5268) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is. http://tfl.nu/bxv0
  Replies (7) Good night (4370) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other. http://tfl.nu/8uqn
  Replies (14) Good night (5092) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night? http://tfl.nu/x7lh
  Replies (7) Good night (4845) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat http://tfl.nu/80p4
  Replies (19) Good night (6444) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now. http://tfl.nu/yqbr
  Replies (10) Good night (3279) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
  Replies (19) Good night (10139) Bad night (873)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/qt2q
  Replies (18) Good night (4436) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s
  Replies (1) Good night (2846) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented". http://tfl.nu/soll
  Replies (10) Good night (1787) Bad night (3142) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why http://tfl.nu/wixc
  Replies (6) Good night (2292) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise. http://tfl.nu/lz74
  Replies (9) Good night (3667) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism http://tfl.nu/7zps
  Replies (8) Good night (4010) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES. http://tfl.nu/zom1
  Replies (19) Good night (3515) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
  Replies (9) Good night (4707) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): bad decision saturdays are such a good decision http://tfl.nu/ffui
  Replies (3) Good night (3351) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine http://tfl.nu/h0jd
  Replies (21) Good night (4053) Bad night (940)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij
  Replies (12) Good night (6822) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team. http://tfl.nu/bf8i
  Replies (12) Good night (3743) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun
  Replies (19) Good night (5421) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone. http://tfl.nu/x5d3
  Replies (12) Good night (959) Bad night (4164) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me. http://tfl.nu/tnbf
  Replies (9) Good night (3679) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas. http://tfl.nu/jpxs
  Replies (12) Good night (5923) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late. http://tfl.nu/oeer
  Replies (21) Good night (1058) Bad night (4572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever. http://tfl.nu/ptta
  Replies (17) Good night (3917) Bad night (3551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life http://tfl.nu/phhm
  Replies (7) Good night (3674) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink http://tfl.nu/5oo7
  Replies (17) Good night (3157) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk. http://tfl.nu/vlxs
  Replies (11) Good night (3626) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u
  Replies (19) Good night (8019) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in http://tfl.nu/b3qn
  Replies (15) Good night (6989) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese http://tfl.nu/a9is
  Replies (4) Good night (4457) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk
  Replies (20) Good night (8116) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
  Replies (19) Good night (12045) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
  Replies (145) Good night (3184) Bad night (11804) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life. http://tfl.nu/o34i
  Replies (39) Good night (1565) Bad night (12039) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
  Replies (30) Good night (1022) Bad night (12394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night http://tfl.nu/v4yn
  Replies (73) Good night (1002) Bad night (12432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
  Replies (33) Good night (1121) Bad night (13059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
  Replies (51) Good night (1875) Bad night (13102)
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/iaie
  Replies (44) Good night (1114) Bad night (12756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex http://tfl.nu/lecw
  Replies (61) Good night (1861) Bad night (12860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today". http://tfl.nu/w2r4
  Replies (111) Good night (879) Bad night (12962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now http://tfl.nu/10rh
  Replies (58) Good night (1008) Bad night (12708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself. http://tfl.nu/8ts9
  Replies (72) Good night (1864) Bad night (13826) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY http://tfl.nu/h6do
  Replies (47) Good night (2775) Bad night (13918) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa
  Replies (57) Good night (1203) Bad night (13910) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
  Replies (121) Good night (2757) Bad night (14579)
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her. http://tfl.nu/icjy
  Replies (53) Good night (2250) Bad night (14355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??" http://tfl.nu/civz
  Replies (43) Good night (698) Bad night (14236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH! http://tfl.nu/111h
  Replies (66) Good night (899) Bad night (16392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
  Replies (91) Good night (3808) Bad night (15857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret' http://tfl.nu/447f
  Replies (55) Good night (1002) Bad night (16290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
  Replies (45) Good night (1871) Bad night (17176)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me. http://tfl.nu/s0lh
  Replies (73) Good night (940) Bad night (17003) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
  Replies (74) Good night (3543) Bad night (17367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out. http://tfl.nu/ndw1
  Replies (50) Good night (1230) Bad night (17803)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think? http://tfl.nu/cxvx
  Replies (80) Good night (1175) Bad night (18300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??" http://tfl.nu/y012
  Replies (124) Good night (898) Bad night (21632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had. http://tfl.nu/ag2c
  Replies (96) Good night (1708) Bad night (21872)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6142) Bad night (39422)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom. http://tfl.nu/rbnh
  Replies (117) Good night (1270) Bad night (43935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
  Replies (134) Good night (6485) Bad night (53639)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu
  Replies (3) Good night (3723) Bad night (1074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick. http://tfl.nu/gzhw
  Replies (15) Good night (4338) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
  Replies (17) Good night (10962) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears. http://tfl.nu/e7ru
  Replies (4) Good night (768) Bad night (3313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card http://tfl.nu/wrdz
  Replies (4) Good night (2894) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours http://tfl.nu/lbg0
  Replies (17) Good night (816) Bad night (2517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  a search helicopter?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d
  Replies (25) Good night (4970) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago http://tfl.nu/00sj
  Replies (20) Good night (5949) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8402) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont. http://tfl.nu/ey1g
  Replies (14) Good night (602) Bad night (3202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". http://tfl.nu/a6t0
  Replies (34) Good night (5426) Bad night (6146) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c http://tfl.nu/a3ua
  Replies (11) Good night (2914) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
  Replies (74) Good night (23236) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention http://tfl.nu/4fnt
  Replies (26) Good night (5876) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God. http://tfl.nu/l6po
  Replies (20) Good night (7583) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year" http://tfl.nu/hf6v
  Replies (9) Good night (978) Bad night (6010) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
  Replies (31) Good night (9102) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads http://tfl.nu/utdd
  Replies (8) Good night (728) Bad night (1781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first http://tfl.nu/v8bw
  Replies (11) Good night (4310) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will http://tfl.nu/hfgh
  Replies (6) Good night (1847) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog http://tfl.nu/ckju
  Replies (6) Good night (1033) Bad night (2711) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s
  Replies (13) Good night (7602) Bad night (822)
• Favorite

  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+64): i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad http://tfl.nu/7gyh
  Replies (27) Good night (739) Bad night (6278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots http://tfl.nu/aobh
  Replies (14) Good night (2605) Bad night (1520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney http://tfl.nu/cbnm
  Replies (4) Good night (3417) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool http://tfl.nu/n767
  Replies (5) Good night (1895) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree. http://tfl.nu/igom
  Replies (1) Good night (1972) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes http://tfl.nu/atny
  Replies (1) Good night (369) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am... http://tfl.nu/u07k
  Replies (4) Good night (1281) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can? http://tfl.nu/psgn
  Replies (3) Good night (723) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If I go to jail what happens to my debt?

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  You dont have to pay it.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm going to jail.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): If I go to jail what happens to my debt? (1-908): You dont have to pay it. (908): I'm going to jail. http://tfl.nu/9by4
  Replies (2) Good night (1078) Bad night (291)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
  Replies (5) Good night (976) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  honey you're def caucasian

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann (803): honey you're def caucasian (704): i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z http://tfl.nu/jt3t
  Replies (4) Good night (1168) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Someone's got a whale tail

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  A thong is hangin out?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  No, a fatty following them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Someone's got a whale tail (1-314): A thong is hangin out? (314): No, a fatty following them http://tfl.nu/cyed
  Replies (8) Good night (598) Bad night (936)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble. http://tfl.nu/c9ha
  Replies (30) Good night (1277) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
  Replies (14) Good night (2019) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I can't find my pants or my car

  (813): View more from Florida

  I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

  (561): View more from Florida

  ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I can't find my pants or my car (813): I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell... (561): ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal. http://tfl.nu/nq8v
  Replies (9) Good night (1022) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there (217): Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is http://tfl.nu/zrn8
  Replies (2) Good night (854) Bad night (234)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock http://tfl.nu/cdtd
  Replies (29) Good night (368) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  What did I say to him last night?

  (385): View more from Utah

  Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  all in all not a bad night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): What did I say to him last night? (385): Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you" (717): all in all not a bad night http://tfl.nu/f7xd
  Replies (4) Good night (1065) Bad night (521)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long

  (917): View more from New York City

  Thats what she said

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long (917): Thats what she said http://tfl.nu/ke6j
  Replies (13) Good night (1533) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them! http://tfl.nu/ih83
  Replies (5) Good night (367) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
  Replies (14) Good night (672) Bad night (1755)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision. http://tfl.nu/8vkq
  Replies (2) Good night (481) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels. http://tfl.nu/zmdk
  Replies (10) Good night (642) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/igis
  Replies (6) Good night (1032) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig http://tfl.nu/q8sk
  Replies (3) Good night (786) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;) http://tfl.nu/s5za
  Replies (14) Good night (2000) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING. http://tfl.nu/5495
  Replies (2) Good night (676) Bad night (828)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face http://tfl.nu/3atc
  Replies (7) Good night (1406) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared http://tfl.nu/a5x9
  Replies (28) Good night (673) Bad night (1182)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  She is in my trunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): She is in my trunk http://tfl.nu/i8uz
  Replies (7) Good night (1332) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  look no pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): look no pants http://tfl.nu/j078
  Replies (4) Good night (1209) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL. http://tfl.nu/l6ak
  Replies (1) Good night (519) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower? http://tfl.nu/keh5
  Replies (1) Good night (879) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down.. http://tfl.nu/yoii
  Replies (15) Good night (1102) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs. http://tfl.nu/bo8w
  Replies (6) Good night (1284) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods http://tfl.nu/urut
  Replies (8) Good night (990) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
  Replies (8) Good night (1744) Bad night (352)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm pants shitting drunk right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I'm pants shitting drunk right now http://tfl.nu/z85l
  Replies (4) Good night (505) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK. http://tfl.nu/nxhd
  Replies (4) Good night (357) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself? http://tfl.nu/kpiy
  Replies (5) Good night (1302) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  whjeg hajt iyt

  (914): View more from New York

  say what?

  (845): View more from New York

  wanna hang out?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): whjeg hajt iyt (914): say what? (845): wanna hang out? http://tfl.nu/4g99
  Replies (8) Good night (1032) Bad night (268)
• Favorite

  (855): View more from

  I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?

  (855): View more from

  No. I am devastated

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (855): I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts? (855): No. I am devastated http://tfl.nu/0cqz
  Replies (3) Good night (437) Bad night (675)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

  (248): View more from Michigan

  he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night (248): he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit http://tfl.nu/a46h
  Replies (6) Good night (604) Bad night (1176)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
  Replies (13) Good night (1405) Bad night (331)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable http://tfl.nu/6hw3
  Replies (32) Good night (748) Bad night (1483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed http://tfl.nu/j2ib
  Replies (3) Good night (356) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

   Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard. 

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.  http://tfl.nu/9e9a
  Replies (4) Good night (454) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo

  (810): View more from Michigan

  With himself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo (810): With himself http://tfl.nu/5c4h
  Replies (1) Good night (491) Bad night (768)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards? http://tfl.nu/fenr
  Replies (9) Good night (1505) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  youre lurking in front of me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): youre lurking in front of me http://tfl.nu/nxpl
  Replies (4) Good night (399) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  who is this?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me. (248): who is this? http://tfl.nu/n5nl
  Replies (4) Good night (613) Bad night (680)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson. http://tfl.nu/nef3
  Replies (2) Good night (1086) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo http://tfl.nu/x92b
  Replies (2) Good night (1031) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair. http://tfl.nu/2vto
  Replies (1) Good night (850) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone http://tfl.nu/vmc1
  Replies (8) Good night (1125) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman http://tfl.nu/jmt9
  Replies (6) Good night (1297) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

  (734): View more from Michigan

  you're 26.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was (734): you're 26. http://tfl.nu/eh0f
  Replies (10) Good night (448) Bad night (2276)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms (1-248): Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way http://tfl.nu/a42d
  Replies (7) Good night (739) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink (313): Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver http://tfl.nu/lqre
  Replies (9) Good night (1942) Bad night (261)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night. (713): Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry... http://tfl.nu/w6q1
  Replies (36) Good night (3168) Bad night (398)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

  (586): View more from Michigan

  We did he did.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it (586): We did he did. (586): When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers http://tfl.nu/dzfm
  Replies (6) Good night (1096) Bad night (273)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248) I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet http://tfl.nu/r3zv
  Replies (4) Good night (884) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  where are you

  (303): View more from Colorado

  in your bedroom

  (602): View more from Arizona

  how did you get in

  (303): View more from Colorado

  your wife…

  (602): View more from Arizona

  WTF

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): where are you (303): in your bedroom (602): how did you get in (303): your wife… (602): WTF http://tfl.nu/cmfn
  Replies (6) Good night (712) Bad night (1859)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/wvv2
  Replies (0) Good night (1024) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes (586): I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition http://tfl.nu/j099
  Replies (7) Good night (1191) Bad night (292)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  toast her oven

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  toast her strudel

  (248): View more from Michigan

  inspect her gadget

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): toast her oven (1-248): toast her strudel (248): inspect her gadget http://tfl.nu/ri0n
  Replies (7) Good night (1977) Bad night (307)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I am not having having sex with guys at the moment. (734): I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue. http://tfl.nu/51cx
  Replies (2) Good night (1716) Bad night (335)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

  (650): View more from California

  I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide. (650): I tried to assassinate the ginger baby http://tfl.nu/c72u
  Replies (28) Good night (1348) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia. http://tfl.nu/z7s6
  Replies (15) Good night (796) Bad night (1097) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on. http://tfl.nu/7zdh
  Replies (2) Good night (1107) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy

  (586): View more from Michigan

  But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures (586): I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy (586): But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it http://tfl.nu/x4v2
  Replies (7) Good night (1074) Bad night (437)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  In the future we'll all be gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): In the future we'll all be gay http://tfl.nu/j6qt
  Replies (7) Good night (1028) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts http://tfl.nu/hmun
  Replies (3) Good night (948) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying http://tfl.nu/t0mj
  Replies (1) Good night (570) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
  Replies (17) Good night (2790) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure http://tfl.nu/x7gl
  Replies (10) Good night (1271) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I wanna bring you to show and tell

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I wanna bring you to show and tell http://tfl.nu/jv6d
  Replies (1) Good night (1493) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

  (415): View more from California

  Recession joke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99 (415): Recession joke. http://tfl.nu/0g53
  Replies (10) Good night (2549) Bad night (391)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Tell him ill love him long time

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I'll assure him of it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Tell him ill love him long time (1-773): I'll assure him of it http://tfl.nu/0jov
  Replies (3) Good night (1155) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too. http://tfl.nu/c23w
  Replies (9) Good night (1859) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Alarm just got pulled in my exam

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Swear it wasn't me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Alarm just got pulled in my exam (517): Swear it wasn't me http://tfl.nu/3yrm
  Replies (2) Good night (1401) Bad night (289)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I thought that was really considerate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating' (586): I thought that was really considerate http://tfl.nu/g1h7
  Replies (3) Good night (1953) Bad night (353)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  He can't hurt my feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  I don't have feelings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings (718): He can't hurt my feelings (718): I don't have feelings. http://tfl.nu/gr1o
  Replies (4) Good night (1631) Bad night (366)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I love you!

  (323): View more from California

  You're insane

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I love you! (323): You're insane (702): Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u! (702): Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha http://tfl.nu/wtaa
  Replies (8) Good night (603) Bad night (1177)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction. (586): It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them (586): Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high http://tfl.nu/t60g
  Replies (9) Good night (2507) Bad night (333)
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways? http://tfl.nu/v2q3
  Replies (2) Good night (939) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
  Replies (8) Good night (3150) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY http://tfl.nu/3vks
  Replies (4) Good night (1620) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Kiss

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Puke

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Kiss (1-313): Puke http://tfl.nu/qokk
  Replies (6) Good night (541) Bad night (1558) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  Ew you even made it your fb status

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  Ppl probably think ur having a kid

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I hope

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Love having children with random chicks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (1-847): Ew you even made it your fb status (1-847): Ppl probably think ur having a kid (847): I hope (847): Love having children with random chicks http://tfl.nu/8sqv
  Replies (3) Good night (909) Bad night (615)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

  (586): View more from Michigan

  That was very cool/italian of you

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot (586): That was very cool/italian of you (586): Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving http://tfl.nu/l4rm
  Replies (10) Good night (1367) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Help. Asians are flirting in front of me<div>(773): They speak asian</div> http://tfl.nu/664g
  Replies (16) Good night (984) Bad night (1401)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I hate your face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I hate your face http://tfl.nu/3afk
  Replies (7) Good night (1467) Bad night (1634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word http://tfl.nu/bxy9
  Replies (12) Good night (1040) Bad night (1971) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): We made it safely. Thanks for the call though. (248): Great. Don't do shady things like that ok? (312): But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all. http://tfl.nu/00eu
  Replies (3) Good night (709) Bad night (1692)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp
  Replies (5) Good night (4352) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up. http://tfl.nu/ztp2
  Replies (13) Good night (7810) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle. http://tfl.nu/lm2e
  Replies (12) Good night (3329) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
  Replies (15) Good night (7178) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are are

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are are (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu (631): Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!! http://tfl.nu/6b8y
  Replies (12) Good night (832) Bad night (409)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go. http://tfl.nu/z9ow
  Replies (10) Good night (3294) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo
  Replies (10) Good night (5020) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n
  Replies (35) Good night (6914) Bad night (1705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived http://tfl.nu/2pbp
  Replies (18) Good night (578) Bad night (7051) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad. http://tfl.nu/pphf
  Replies (16) Good night (7994) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur http://tfl.nu/wpeh
  Replies (30) Good night (4587) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk. (206): Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy. http://tfl.nu/ynk1
  Replies (21) Good night (6617) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower. http://tfl.nu/u1zb
  Replies (22) Good night (7602) Bad night (1081)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you. http://tfl.nu/gr31
  Replies (14) Good night (633) Bad night (3460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!

  (248): View more from Michigan

  She can rap better than you any day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend! (248): She can rap better than you any day http://tfl.nu/bu9h
  Replies (4) Good night (2049) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
  Replies (26) Good night (7294) Bad night (1715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Just fell off a train. Bad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Just fell off a train. Bad. http://tfl.nu/32cv
  Replies (3) Good night (400) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture http://tfl.nu/o7a7
  Replies (31) Good night (1661) Bad night (7982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish" http://tfl.nu/scbq
  Replies (21) Good night (1322) Bad night (5283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
  Replies (27) Good night (8468) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave. http://tfl.nu/dpnt
  Replies (24) Good night (7531) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you. http://tfl.nu/te9j
  Replies (22) Good night (5687) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by http://tfl.nu/7cd3
  Replies (13) Good night (3714) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait http://tfl.nu/xv9u
  Replies (9) Good night (1881) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I feel great

  (650): View more from California

  I just peed on a car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I feel great (650): I just peed on a car http://tfl.nu/eq9k
  Replies (8) Good night (2628) Bad night (375)
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
  Replies (58) Good night (25444) Bad night (973)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home

  (248): View more from Michigan

  r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home (248) r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore? http://tfl.nu/fb8r
  Replies (17) Good night (643) Bad night (2365)
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
  Replies (268) Good night (3334) Bad night (66308)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans? (269): Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass. http://tfl.nu/u35z
  Replies (13) Good night (2068) Bad night (378)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
  Replies (22) Good night (13400) Bad night (883)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  i dont think thats weird i think thats fun

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places. (1-401): i dont think thats weird i think thats fun (401): i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird http://tfl.nu/88jj
  Replies (11) Good night (425) Bad night (1863)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches http://tfl.nu/0tvi
  Replies (6) Good night (3689) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out http://tfl.nu/q1wd
  Replies (15) Good night (4953) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38043) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  More like "Chia Pet"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I just named my vagina "The Boneyard" (1-972): More like "Chia Pet" http://tfl.nu/ds7x
  Replies (19) Good night (593) Bad night (4886) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
  Replies (81) Good night (37962) Bad night (1648)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me? http://tfl.nu/06bl
  Replies (20) Good night (896) Bad night (5372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday. http://tfl.nu/laq5
  Replies (29) Good night (6512) Bad night (1072) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

  (850): View more from Florida

  They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok (850): They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good http://tfl.nu/qtm7
  Replies (10) Good night (5721) Bad night (1075)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship. http://tfl.nu/tdmr
  Replies (37) Good night (7287) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?! http://tfl.nu/dodw
  Replies (15) Good night (762) Bad night (6704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits. http://tfl.nu/2cej
  Replies (10) Good night (9184) Bad night (571)
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
  Replies (6) Good night (4708) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You raise a valid concern

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point. (586): You raise a valid concern http://tfl.nu/k6mm
  Replies (6) Good night (1441) Bad night (2548)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins" http://tfl.nu/7zd1
  Replies (5) Good night (3850) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume. http://tfl.nu/d17l
  Replies (4) Good night (1768) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv
  Replies (13) Good night (4593) Bad night (713) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary. http://tfl.nu/r2s3
  Replies (9) Good night (4772) Bad night (619)
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out. http://tfl.nu/kfuw
  Replies (11) Good night (3231) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf? http://tfl.nu/zyca
  Replies (6) Good night (3171) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
  Replies (15) Good night (12985) Bad night (771)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression http://tfl.nu/ti0p
  Replies (30) Good night (943) Bad night (3487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair. http://tfl.nu/vnaz
  Replies (3) Good night (2277) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
  Replies (7) Good night (3362) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again. http://tfl.nu/sd6x
  Replies (11) Good night (1235) Bad night (3281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0
  Replies (19) Good night (7458) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes http://tfl.nu/cr2r
  Replies (54) Good night (2461) Bad night (5714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out? http://tfl.nu/ragd
  Replies (48) Good night (725) Bad night (1820)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
  Replies (14) Good night (6602) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord" http://tfl.nu/17lg
  Replies (61) Good night (5961) Bad night (709)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
  Replies (14) Good night (4934) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear" http://tfl.nu/r2vo
  Replies (7) Good night (6556) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
  Replies (10) Good night (5291) Bad night (1243)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one? (1-512): yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go. http://tfl.nu/pwrk
  Replies (18) Good night (3481) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen http://tfl.nu/31v4
  Replies (20) Good night (2062) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (10978) Bad night (952)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
  Replies (51) Good night (9967) Bad night (1174)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER http://tfl.nu/alba
  Replies (4) Good night (3212) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I heard you threw up in your lap?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I heard that too.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I heard you threw up in your lap? (1-541): I heard that too. http://tfl.nu/s86w
  Replies (9) Good night (1345) Bad night (3407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie. http://tfl.nu/xp3y
  Replies (36) Good night (6777) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night. http://tfl.nu/8tsr
  Replies (25) Good night (575) Bad night (3175) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I can text with my tongue

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I can text with my tongue http://tfl.nu/gbw1
  Replies (23) Good night (2962) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians. http://tfl.nu/d2bn
  Replies (20) Good night (5584) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
  Replies (23) Good night (7398) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (15740) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
  Replies (178) Good night (89858) Bad night (3912)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am http://tfl.nu/tchg
  Replies (6) Good night (2828) Bad night (343) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines. (1-831): Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable http://tfl.nu/f2l0
  Replies (15) Good night (3082) Bad night (388)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
  Replies (55) Good night (3050) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0
  Replies (22) Good night (2880) Bad night (5375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Who haven't you slept with?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No one comes to mind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Who haven't you slept with? (703): No one comes to mind. http://tfl.nu/pw54
  Replies (7) Good night (1020) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room. http://tfl.nu/g35c
  Replies (14) Good night (4158) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I have demons in me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I have demons in me. http://tfl.nu/h6bj
  Replies (12) Good night (708) Bad night (1205) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be
  Replies (9) Good night (3994) Bad night (705)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster http://tfl.nu/ubg8
  Replies (86) Good night (731) Bad night (3461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Best. Handjob. Ever.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm guessing Kelly is over?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Nope. Home alone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4
  Replies (19) Good night (5506) Bad night (2605)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight. http://tfl.nu/5wwv
  Replies (46) Good night (6529) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life http://tfl.nu/47y4
  Replies (34) Good night (7588) Bad night (1668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
  Replies (22) Good night (7922) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns? http://tfl.nu/gvvk
  Replies (51) Good night (2903) Bad night (1205) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d
  Replies (46) Good night (10211) Bad night (2380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end. http://tfl.nu/4vu6
  Replies (24) Good night (475) Bad night (3541)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
  Replies (28) Good night (20814) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf http://tfl.nu/faeb
  Replies (52) Good night (16355) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly http://tfl.nu/tnq1
  Replies (15) Good night (3835) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed". http://tfl.nu/0nax
  Replies (40) Good night (837) Bad night (4982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (151) Good night (62665) Bad night (2950)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured. http://tfl.nu/js6x
  Replies (63) Good night (5249) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot. http://tfl.nu/9z8d
  Replies (24) Good night (4215) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go http://tfl.nu/d1mz
  Replies (15) Good night (4886) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy. http://tfl.nu/9ve4
  Replies (19) Good night (336) Bad night (3506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Actions speak louder than pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3
  Replies (12) Good night (4665) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video. http://tfl.nu/od0z
  Replies (17) Good night (4551) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes" http://tfl.nu/jvdp
  Replies (13) Good night (4579) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up. http://tfl.nu/navv
  Replies (12) Good night (4426) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home http://tfl.nu/dqj3
  Replies (29) Good night (8546) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie http://tfl.nu/y2j0
  Replies (17) Good night (4282) Bad night (1628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life. http://tfl.nu/2bhk
  Replies (19) Good night (3638) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
  Replies (103) Good night (8033) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter http://tfl.nu/xmwz
  Replies (17) Good night (1852) Bad night (300)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped. http://tfl.nu/0vpq
  Replies (5) Good night (3279) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/48s1
  Replies (58) Good night (3199) Bad night (7358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
  Replies (5) Good night (3542) Bad night (665)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg
  Replies (24) Good night (5938) Bad night (893)
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal... http://tfl.nu/9xti
  Replies (20) Good night (1183) Bad night (2983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We should party with her soon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq
  Replies (16) Good night (7899) Bad night (755)
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks http://tfl.nu/7398
  Replies (64) Good night (1129) Bad night (6151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat. http://tfl.nu/eo6a
  Replies (28) Good night (7468) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
  Replies (15) Good night (4000) Bad night (604)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster http://tfl.nu/ujaf
  Replies (15) Good night (3127) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there http://tfl.nu/9lof
  Replies (12) Good night (4814) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes. http://tfl.nu/i5s6
  Replies (6) Good night (683) Bad night (4546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
  Replies (10) Good night (3768) Bad night (838)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
  Replies (6) Good night (5270) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again... http://tfl.nu/efr4
  Replies (5) Good night (2806) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj
  Replies (3) Good night (4823) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful http://tfl.nu/3xv5
  Replies (4) Good night (945) Bad night (2835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
  Replies (20) Good night (8930) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame http://tfl.nu/79g6
  Replies (15) Good night (6215) Bad night (454)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

  (941): View more from Florida

  better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Why do guys in porn never have boxers on? (941): better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn http://tfl.nu/0wxg
  Replies (25) Good night (6431) Bad night (758)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
  Replies (11) Good night (6626) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0rl
  Replies (20) Good night (7956) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
  Replies (12) Good night (8646) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
  Replies (16) Good night (8820) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops. http://tfl.nu/1v8v
  Replies (37) Good night (8431) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg
  Replies (14) Good night (8572) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2
  Replies (10) Good night (8645) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
  Replies (29) Good night (8570) Bad night (715)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  mine is 'the'.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1
  Replies (32) Good night (8655) Bad night (513)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn
  Replies (21) Good night (8546) Bad night (773)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e
  Replies (11) Good night (8635) Bad night (768)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju
  Replies (19) Good night (8502) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
  Replies (39) Good night (8929) Bad night (2935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
  Replies (43) Good night (8978) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (8616) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter http://tfl.nu/rgti
  Replies (31) Good night (8784) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree. http://tfl.nu/wbc5
  Replies (86) Good night (8751) Bad night (4034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking. http://tfl.nu/av4y
  Replies (34) Good night (8529) Bad night (582)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  If you die in college, do you die in real life?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): If you die in college, do you die in real life? http://tfl.nu/s9pw
  Replies (42) Good night (8858) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w
  Replies (64) Good night (8673) Bad night (980) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially. http://tfl.nu/gw0l
  Replies (24) Good night (8710) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (8981) Bad night (1001)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars. http://tfl.nu/7ljv
  Replies (185) Good night (8818) Bad night (6820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight. http://tfl.nu/ioqv
  Replies (29) Good night (8950) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance. http://tfl.nu/tng6
  Replies (84) Good night (8919) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well how do you think I feel

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fair enough

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr
  Replies (39) Good night (9034) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
  Replies (79) Good night (8840) Bad night (2539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
  Replies (45) Good night (9116) Bad night (1023)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
  Replies (26) Good night (9224) Bad night (742)
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
  Replies (23) Good night (9145) Bad night (580)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6
  Replies (34) Good night (8963) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  That was a text you sent me last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9
  Replies (36) Good night (9441) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
  Replies (12) Good night (9452) Bad night (789)
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
  Replies (35) Good night (9197) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit. http://tfl.nu/fc4g
  Replies (35) Good night (8772) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
  Replies (13) Good night (9072) Bad night (1401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it. http://tfl.nu/q4is
  Replies (32) Good night (9056) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house? http://tfl.nu/tnd3
  Replies (30) Good night (8855) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon. http://tfl.nu/inm7
  Replies (41) Good night (8983) Bad night (1306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now http://tfl.nu/squr
  Replies (40) Good night (8880) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

  (972): View more from Texas

  i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time (972): i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!" http://tfl.nu/dprb
  Replies (22) Good night (9121) Bad night (577)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (9395) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz
  Replies (59) Good night (9180) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation. http://tfl.nu/9spz
  Replies (14) Good night (9062) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/2xhx
  Replies (18) Good night (9107) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
  Replies (36) Good night (9304) Bad night (957)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
  Replies (31) Good night (9349) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
  Replies (18) Good night (9482) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
  Replies (33) Good night (9342) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
  Replies (20) Good night (10897) Bad night (794)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself. http://tfl.nu/6c7w
  Replies (26) Good night (9508) Bad night (1319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call" http://tfl.nu/7z02
  Replies (29) Good night (9468) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
  Replies (21) Good night (9811) Bad night (727)
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
  Replies (19) Good night (9815) Bad night (1389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

  (475): View more from Connecticut

  Yeah?

  (212): View more from New York

  Stuck it in his pooper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year? (475): Yeah? (212): Stuck it in his pooper. http://tfl.nu/y911
  Replies (209) Good night (10083) Bad night (4223)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
  Replies (10) Good night (10510) Bad night (619)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
  Replies (38) Good night (10462) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met (1-319): thanks it was an honor just to be nominated http://tfl.nu/yswc
  Replies (36) Good night (10338) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (10676) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
  Replies (25) Good night (10734) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
  Replies (50) Good night (10674) Bad night (672)
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

  (347): View more from New York

  I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su
  Replies (41) Good night (10621) Bad night (1851)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay. http://tfl.nu/pwts
  Replies (211) Good night (11520) Bad night (3157) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
  Replies (55) Good night (11276) Bad night (682)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
  Replies (30) Good night (11358) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff http://tfl.nu/b3xl
  Replies (83) Good night (11436) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know. http://tfl.nu/71w6
  Replies (24) Good night (10883) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
  Replies (27) Good night (11047) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12122) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
  Replies (33) Good night (12004) Bad night (1034)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
  Replies (39) Good night (11794) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
  Replies (34) Good night (12194) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

  (420): View more from

  your the best winggirl ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih
  Replies (34) Good night (12385) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind. http://tfl.nu/8l0m
  Replies (57) Good night (11891) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
  Replies (44) Good night (12453) Bad night (813)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
  Replies (84) Good night (12209) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
  Replies (39) Good night (13350) Bad night (670)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
  Replies (108) Good night (12689) Bad night (1636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
  Replies (56) Good night (12962) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
  Replies (32) Good night (12897) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
  Replies (43) Good night (13387) Bad night (643)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
  Replies (32) Good night (13656) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
  Replies (68) Good night (14051) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): he said i'm too pretty to suck penis http://tfl.nu/wzvb
  Replies (99) Good night (13235) Bad night (1459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
  Replies (41) Good night (13741) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (30) Good night (14116) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
  Replies (47) Good night (13669) Bad night (1418)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

  (818): View more from California

  by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r
  Replies (43) Good night (13403) Bad night (732)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
  Replies (59) Good night (14182) Bad night (1662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
  Replies (32) Good night (16566) Bad night (924)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
  Replies (56) Good night (14976) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (33) Good night (14553) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
  Replies (16) Good night (15043) Bad night (852)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (15453) Bad night (983)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
  Replies (86) Good night (15269) Bad night (2447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
  Replies (26) Good night (16474) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
  Replies (52) Good night (16298) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number. http://tfl.nu/465z
  Replies (31) Good night (14987) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg
  Replies (72) Good night (16828) Bad night (2260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (17256) Bad night (873)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
  Replies (64) Good night (16510) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
  Replies (58) Good night (17048) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
  Replies (65) Good night (16587) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
  Replies (45) Good night (19374) Bad night (641)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (19353) Bad night (1409)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (18886) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
  Replies (71) Good night (18809) Bad night (1479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19434) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
  Replies (33) Good night (20216) Bad night (1686)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
  Replies (43) Good night (20189) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
  Replies (37) Good night (20230) Bad night (1521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
  Replies (28) Good night (20167) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
  Replies (91) Good night (20558) Bad night (2710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
  Replies (71) Good night (19866) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice. http://tfl.nu/fg4t
  Replies (43) Good night (19802) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
  Replies (35) Good night (20861) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
  Replies (44) Good night (22616) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
  Replies (33) Good night (23530) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (24100) Bad night (1021)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
  Replies (60) Good night (25205) Bad night (828)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (90) Good night (23642) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
  Replies (78) Good night (24669) Bad night (2676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
  Replies (99) Good night (25090) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
  Replies (66) Good night (24557) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
  Replies (41) Good night (26199) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (49) Good night (28198) Bad night (858)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
  Replies (30) Good night (27430) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
  Replies (40) Good night (26961) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (81) Good night (31286) Bad night (994)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (59) Good night (29311) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (33651) Bad night (707)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (84) Good night (36449) Bad night (1297)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (107) Good night (38274) Bad night (1593)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (114) Good night (44020) Bad night (1631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48647) Bad night (1814)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (42211) Bad night (1636)