I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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