Texts From Last Night

laurrox's Favorites Texts:

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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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  (+44): what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/x7um
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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  (425): Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend? http://tfl.nu/fd94
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
  Replies (23) Good night (5625) Bad night (1218)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.

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  (812): You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down. http://tfl.nu/c4iu
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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  (316): I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong. (1-316): Yeah I'm going to bathe him. http://tfl.nu/s84m
  Replies (6) Good night (3510) Bad night (630)
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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  (+34): what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30 http://tfl.nu/zswr
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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  (781): It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am http://tfl.nu/v6r1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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  (734): Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands. http://tfl.nu/f2kb
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i had confetti in my bra

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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  (210): i had confetti in my bra (1-210): i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me http://tfl.nu/08sl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
  Replies (30) Good night (13834) Bad night (814)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.

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  (763): I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts. http://tfl.nu/j2dd
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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  (724): I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head. http://tfl.nu/4vvd
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  (305): View more from Florida

  and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him

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  (305): and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him http://tfl.nu/st8n
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis

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  (414): I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis http://tfl.nu/ml6e
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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  (902): FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/vuiq
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.

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  (402): Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples. http://tfl.nu/nrga
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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  (832): Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella. http://tfl.nu/o5ml
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

  (928): View more from Arizona

  wow.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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  (815): The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub. (928): wow. (815): But it's a REALLY good back rub. http://tfl.nu/3vfg
  Replies (27) Good night (4793) Bad night (649)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
  Replies (35) Good night (6172) Bad night (1013)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
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  (209): View more from California

  is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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  (209): is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety. http://tfl.nu/58yh
  Replies (4) Good night (4015) Bad night (826)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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  (906): If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her? http://tfl.nu/jtlb
  Replies (10) Good night (2734) Bad night (1236) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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  (315): some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!" http://tfl.nu/pcn6
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  (718): View more from New York

  it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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  (718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store http://tfl.nu/b87c
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  (805): View more from California

  my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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  (805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad. http://tfl.nu/gbnx
  Replies (16) Good night (6518) Bad night (599)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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  (336): This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/cqt6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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  (303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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  (936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4
  Replies (37) Good night (1651) Bad night (9454)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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  (702): facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me http://tfl.nu/rfhz
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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  (705): She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that. (905): I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory. http://tfl.nu/dnea
  Replies (8) Good night (4433) Bad night (916)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
  Replies (21) Good night (6572) Bad night (1276)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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  (816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/7j97
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (305): View more from Florida

  MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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  (305): MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like. http://tfl.nu/d99s
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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  (832): I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice. http://tfl.nu/6cq1
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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  (815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart http://tfl.nu/4qqp
  Replies (18) Good night (7013) Bad night (1040)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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  (816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si
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  (646): View more from New York

  its my first week of college and i have a UTI

  (718): View more from New York

  not easy being a whore now is it

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  (646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw
  Replies (23) Good night (1145) Bad night (4263)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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  (570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3
  Replies (8) Good night (4512) Bad night (759)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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  (301): Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich? http://tfl.nu/66qn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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  (330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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  (404): His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me. http://tfl.nu/ej9i
  Replies (17) Good night (6202) Bad night (688)
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  (408): View more from California

  if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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  (408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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  (609): Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life. http://tfl.nu/eqwc
  Replies (34) Good night (1402) Bad night (3730)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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  (973): i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit http://tfl.nu/ux8z
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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  (207): He violated my cat. I was not impressed. http://tfl.nu/2ip6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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  (570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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  (412): Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came http://tfl.nu/do8g
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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  (973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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  (305): Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning? http://tfl.nu/gt8n
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

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  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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  (804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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  (617): You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias. http://tfl.nu/4ikl
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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  (641): just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now http://tfl.nu/052c
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.

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  (413): My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that. http://tfl.nu/auq5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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  (850): She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out. http://tfl.nu/i2ji
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  (817): View more from Texas

  God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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  (817): God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist http://tfl.nu/ubmz
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she just took adderol and chased it w dog water

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  (781): she just took adderol and chased it w dog water http://tfl.nu/pwol
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying

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  (603): Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying http://tfl.nu/e8oi
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.

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  (250): I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can. http://tfl.nu/1tw1
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.

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  (618): oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me. http://tfl.nu/a68t
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

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  (630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum. http://tfl.nu/5o8q
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  (516): View more from New York

  He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

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  (516): He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore http://tfl.nu/31xs
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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  (215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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  (603): He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was. http://tfl.nu/3v3c
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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  (757): It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it. http://tfl.nu/6y9b
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  (818): View more from California

  Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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  (818): Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on. http://tfl.nu/cwci
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  (207): View more from Maine

  her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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  (207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

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  (360): Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk. http://tfl.nu/ed4r
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now

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  (816): I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now http://tfl.nu/vuci
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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  (540): Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift? http://tfl.nu/ixd3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else

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  (630): I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else http://tfl.nu/09lv
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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  (804): just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos http://tfl.nu/9tfl
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  (925): View more from California

  While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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  (925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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  (610): Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants? http://tfl.nu/1myu
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

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  (201): its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin.. http://tfl.nu/g7eu
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.

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  (205): I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way. http://tfl.nu/0pkj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.

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  (301): i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man. http://tfl.nu/s3bb
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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  (208): Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat. http://tfl.nu/qpwr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...

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  (920): the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof... http://tfl.nu/xn7m
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

  (630): View more from Illinois

  savin' lives aint cheap

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  (973): haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance?? (630): savin' lives aint cheap http://tfl.nu/eb5j
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine

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  (515): does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine http://tfl.nu/uuy6
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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  (704): my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!' http://tfl.nu/sd3c
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.

  (1-240): View more from Maryland

  Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.

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  (240): My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist. (1-240): Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab? (240): Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore. http://tfl.nu/3est
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  (305): View more from Florida

  You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

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  (305): You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student. http://tfl.nu/quj8
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  (845): View more from New York

  u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

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  (845): u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap http://tfl.nu/abw0
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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  (973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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  (203): the problem with open bar is i never know what to get (781): did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..." http://tfl.nu/knqb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  What will that accomplish?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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  (602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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  (248): your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/qlw2
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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  (508): I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long. http://tfl.nu/opva
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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  (785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both. http://tfl.nu/00se
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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  (817): Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period. http://tfl.nu/d1q3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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  (850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom? http://tfl.nu/5x0x
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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  (609): you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off. http://tfl.nu/5lgs
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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  (208): he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something" http://tfl.nu/rcyf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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  (401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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  (267): When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. http://tfl.nu/7g2d
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

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  (617): why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency? http://tfl.nu/lb38
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  (940): View more from Texas

  That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone

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  (940): That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone http://tfl.nu/w4ug
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant

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  (212): I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant http://tfl.nu/ncxa
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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  (860): New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache http://tfl.nu/a5vx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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  (248): I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy http://tfl.nu/0s17
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.

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  (419): I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo. http://tfl.nu/f195
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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  (321): Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds... http://tfl.nu/1h6m
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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  (508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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  (262): The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up http://tfl.nu/qgka
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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  (859): I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay. http://tfl.nu/kwe9
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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  (920): Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with. http://tfl.nu/j9qw
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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  (713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k
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  (518): View more from New York

  its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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  (518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant. http://tfl.nu/kaeb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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  (917): i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities http://tfl.nu/habk
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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  (702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again. http://tfl.nu/kiui
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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  (513): I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties. http://tfl.nu/yluk
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...

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  (616): I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one... http://tfl.nu/uf1v
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  enjoy the hospital

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  (574): New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy (860): enjoy the hospital http://tfl.nu/9tp2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  well I can't set my house on fire every night

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  (248): well I can't set my house on fire every night http://tfl.nu/iwc7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think I died a long time ago.

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  (203): I think I died a long time ago. http://tfl.nu/eygn
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (209): View more from California

  HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.

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  (209): HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24????? (606 ): We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour. http://tfl.nu/y88k
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  dude. stop pregaming the food network.

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  (215): im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL (609): dude. stop pregaming the food network. http://tfl.nu/x76m
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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  (419): The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song. http://tfl.nu/rv8e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who is canola oil?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're an idiot.

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  (610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans (1-610): who is canola oil? (610): you're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/vy3c
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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  (+44): He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.' http://tfl.nu/uc3v
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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  (250): I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way http://tfl.nu/xurx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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  (513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen. (1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do. (513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses. http://tfl.nu/52u6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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  (847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.

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  (206): Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use. http://tfl.nu/b12a
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

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  (850): I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life. (1-850): Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say. http://tfl.nu/wlmq
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I think about you every night.

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry.

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  (281): I think about you every night. (1-281): I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/c1b1
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  (903): View more from Texas

  pop tarts are not kleenex

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  (903): pop tarts are not kleenex http://tfl.nu/wjj4
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  (909): View more from California

  You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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  (909): You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish" http://tfl.nu/4kon
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty

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  (609): i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty http://tfl.nu/sjep
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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  (512): Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not! (1-512): well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number http://tfl.nu/3fc4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Who haven't you slept with?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No one comes to mind.

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  (202): Who haven't you slept with? (703): No one comes to mind. http://tfl.nu/pw54
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I accidentally had phone sex last night

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  (651): I accidentally had phone sex last night http://tfl.nu/0rrd
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

  (248): View more from Michigan

  he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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  (419): idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night (248): he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit http://tfl.nu/a46h
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  (406): View more from Montana

  As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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  (406): As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network. http://tfl.nu/cww0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

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  (301): Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background. http://tfl.nu/pa5j
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  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?

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  (901): I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that? http://tfl.nu/6l8j
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.

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  (918): I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it. http://tfl.nu/on4u
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  (407): View more from Florida

  youre lurking in front of me

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  (407): youre lurking in front of me http://tfl.nu/nxpl
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.

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  (630): I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong. http://tfl.nu/nqbt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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  (443): His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake http://tfl.nu/rol0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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  (208): know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing http://tfl.nu/j7xf
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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  (609): WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW. http://tfl.nu/kof5
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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  (308): I think i sorta joined a cult last night http://tfl.nu/1gad
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  (830): View more from Texas

  You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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  (830): You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy http://tfl.nu/g7o4
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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  (508): You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper" http://tfl.nu/17it
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  (516): View more from New York

  I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this

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  (516): I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this http://tfl.nu/xbb7
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  (707): View more from California

  She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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  (707): She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed. http://tfl.nu/z812
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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  (618): i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw... http://tfl.nu/24ry
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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  (416): I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny. (905): Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night. http://tfl.nu/j8pa
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (561): View more from Florida

  She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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  (561): She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS' http://tfl.nu/cd1u
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
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  (+91): View more from India

  Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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  (+91): Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not. http://tfl.nu/eg4c
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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  (715): We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay. http://tfl.nu/aupb
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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  (412): You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats. http://tfl.nu/gybz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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  (248): I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high... http://tfl.nu/j3oh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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  (570): I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys http://tfl.nu/u1dh
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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  (864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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  (613): There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order. http://tfl.nu/vb6g
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  (206): View more from Washington

  woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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  (206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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  (215): I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning (215): My face left an imprint in the loaf... http://tfl.nu/s8i8
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"

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  (573): So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX" http://tfl.nu/a1ku
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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  (804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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  (717): We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation. http://tfl.nu/p6jv
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  (818): View more from California

  We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

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  (818): We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings. http://tfl.nu/9pm8
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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  (334): Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating? (1-334): You are proof that most things are best left unsaid. http://tfl.nu/quhe
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.

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  (989): I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses. http://tfl.nu/7uea
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.

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  (709): She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it. http://tfl.nu/7xo2
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  (858): View more from California

  So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?

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  (858): So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis? http://tfl.nu/f1iy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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  (540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed http://tfl.nu/7wu4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

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  (917): You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower? http://tfl.nu/keh5
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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  (985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable. http://tfl.nu/fbq8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha

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  (804): Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat. (1-804): U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha http://tfl.nu/198a
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What should our trivia night team be named?

  (925): View more from California

  Define Statutory

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  (206): What should our trivia night team be named? (925): Define Statutory http://tfl.nu/hrvk
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  (626): View more from California

  What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

  (1-626): View more from California

  You have mice?

  (626): View more from California

  no why?

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  (626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans? (1-626): You have mice? (626): no why? http://tfl.nu/7zgo
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  (840): View more from

  Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****

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  (840): Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to ***** http://tfl.nu/9ulm
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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  (406): Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified. http://tfl.nu/dihz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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  (812): Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms.... http://tfl.nu/4wax
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
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  (347): View more from New York

  Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

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  (347): Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night..... http://tfl.nu/buh9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I wish I had a frozen water bed.

  (253): View more from Washington

  best. idea. ever.

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  (734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week

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  (303): I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week http://tfl.nu/xhkj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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  (813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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  (630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht
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  (561): View more from Florida

  definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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  (561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.

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  (774): if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking. http://tfl.nu/oesf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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  (203): She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday. (917): Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA. http://tfl.nu/ow5e
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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  (469): Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me. http://tfl.nu/jccz
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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  (561): Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest? http://tfl.nu/07hk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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  (248): So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in http://tfl.nu/mvwo
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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  (314): the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick. http://tfl.nu/zpzn
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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  (443): There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees. http://tfl.nu/9alk
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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  (910): Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night. http://tfl.nu/xyp8
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.

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  (207): I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat. http://tfl.nu/i3fj
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.

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  (321): I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/ccnb
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

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  (609): i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast http://tfl.nu/q9sr
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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  (215): Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too. http://tfl.nu/we0x
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  (936): View more from Texas

  She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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  (936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77
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  (831): View more from California

  I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

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  (831): I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency" http://tfl.nu/zhku
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps

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  (703): I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps http://tfl.nu/dpvm
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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  (513): My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked. http://tfl.nu/x6u7
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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  (804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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  (443): He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him http://tfl.nu/8x14
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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  (403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex

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  (414): and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex http://tfl.nu/wscy
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (559): View more from California

  You realize it's finals week?

  (408): View more from California

  Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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  (559): You realize it's finals week? (408): Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first. http://tfl.nu/rjos
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva

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  (551): Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva http://tfl.nu/0m5z
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  (559): View more from California

  You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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  (559): You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community. http://tfl.nu/nzga
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  (559): View more from California

  i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

  (559): View more from California

  ...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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  (559): i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers... (559): ...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win! http://tfl.nu/147d
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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  (815): So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit. http://tfl.nu/x6k6
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  (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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  (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit

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  (551): the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit http://tfl.nu/ma7y
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?

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  (917): so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question? http://tfl.nu/2bvz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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  (740): While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day. http://tfl.nu/7t04
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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  (571): every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman http://tfl.nu/7ssg
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Actions speak louder than pants.

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  (865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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  (318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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  (905): He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer http://tfl.nu/xvzr
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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  (302): then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/fci7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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  (917): I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing. http://tfl.nu/vu1b
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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  (732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj
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  (954): View more from Florida

  It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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  (954): It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments http://tfl.nu/zq97
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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  (941): Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick. http://tfl.nu/3ndf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?

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  (717): RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea? http://tfl.nu/y40i
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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  (410): She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible. http://tfl.nu/n7ul
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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  (910): I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy. http://tfl.nu/pewg
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  (315): View more from New York

  dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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  (315): dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you http://tfl.nu/n46y
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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  (304): I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th. http://tfl.nu/t8ll
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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  (915): Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches" http://tfl.nu/07la
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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  (401): apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot" http://tfl.nu/gtmt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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  (702): sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/022f
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation

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  (303): Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation http://tfl.nu/s4ly
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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  (703): All I need in life is some dick and a big mac. http://tfl.nu/2v25
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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  (978): he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works http://tfl.nu/o828
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.

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  (813): Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age. http://tfl.nu/rqe0
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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  (219): she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade. http://tfl.nu/8ipj
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  (516): View more from New York

  we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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  (516): we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan http://tfl.nu/uipi
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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  (860): Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty http://tfl.nu/6xch
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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  (717): He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex http://tfl.nu/v3ok
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  (716): View more from New York

  Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen

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  (716): Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen http://tfl.nu/h1qo
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I love black thongs

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  (586): I love black thongs http://tfl.nu/wvjn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....

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  (425): i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is.... http://tfl.nu/ar6t
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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  (704): When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell http://tfl.nu/rk2d
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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  (318): I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away. http://tfl.nu/8l4v
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  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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  (630): It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin http://tfl.nu/b3ck
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.

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  (608): You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied. http://tfl.nu/sqjw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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  (330): Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy." http://tfl.nu/8mx4
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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  (708): his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button http://tfl.nu/86ps
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  (209): View more from California

  Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.

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  (209): Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/an4l
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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  (715): You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now http://tfl.nu/q56d
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

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  (504): I think horse shit smells the best of all shits. http://tfl.nu/6fku
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  (415): View more from California

  I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.

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  (415): I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it. http://tfl.nu/np4v
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating

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  (203): listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating http://tfl.nu/olru
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  (914): View more from New York

  i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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  (914): i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls. http://tfl.nu/57re
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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  (508): I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON! http://tfl.nu/qryp
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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  (520): Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust. http://tfl.nu/b11e
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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  (303): Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store http://tfl.nu/jpa2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (510): View more from California

  answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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  (510): answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/6rsg
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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  (815): No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official. http://tfl.nu/00ts
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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  (860): So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this. http://tfl.nu/j4ab
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  thats actually pretty good logic

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  (724): I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars" (412): thats actually pretty good logic http://tfl.nu/znkn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.

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  (630): I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof. http://tfl.nu/he9o
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

  (703): View more from Virginia

  What are you talking about

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You've got to be kidding me

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  (240): Thanks for last night it was amazing as always (703): What are you talking about (240): You've got to be kidding me http://tfl.nu/zj8e
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  (619): View more from California

  do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.

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  (619): do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big. http://tfl.nu/tgfw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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  (817): well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while http://tfl.nu/ax7b
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
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  (425): View more from Washington

  he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

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  (425): he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!" http://tfl.nu/83kf
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

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  (571): capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid. http://tfl.nu/gx7i
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself

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  (321): Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself http://tfl.nu/yztr
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.

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  (810): Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it. http://tfl.nu/lg31
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

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  (507): The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything. http://tfl.nu/zuo5
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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  (336): I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm. http://tfl.nu/32ib
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  (516): View more from New York

  My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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  (516): My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say http://tfl.nu/znzu
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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  (773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/hmmg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

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  (612): I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself http://tfl.nu/0tce
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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  (219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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  (623): just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!" http://tfl.nu/ezhs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.

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  (203): You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi. http://tfl.nu/yrsa
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa

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  (401): Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa http://tfl.nu/h6ux
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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  (304): Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit. http://tfl.nu/67fb
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  (914): View more from New York

  Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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  (914): Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it http://tfl.nu/0jmm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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  (203): What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face? http://tfl.nu/dot3
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.

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  (205): my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything. http://tfl.nu/6bhr
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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  (615): I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us. http://tfl.nu/3t30
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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  (956): Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs. http://tfl.nu/dv3c
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that

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  (734): I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that http://tfl.nu/jwk4
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  (518): View more from New York

  alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

  (1-518): View more from New York

  dude. you drew those with your dick

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  (518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from? (1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick http://tfl.nu/4t0i
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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  (231): my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring (989): i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me http://tfl.nu/18pl
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  (409): View more from Texas

  so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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  (409): so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister http://tfl.nu/4kg0
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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  (702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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  (602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section. http://tfl.nu/g47a
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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  (330): She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating.. http://tfl.nu/qbj3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not

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  (678): i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not http://tfl.nu/pxco
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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  (773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman? http://tfl.nu/4514
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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  (434): i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome http://tfl.nu/lk4z
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga

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  (712): I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga http://tfl.nu/ngoq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  yes! wait why?

  (240): View more from Maryland

  because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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  (240): were you wearing a green and blue thong last night? (301): yes! wait why? (240): because i found it in my pocket this morning... http://tfl.nu/rs9c
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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  (229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.

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  (773): I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch. http://tfl.nu/99z3
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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  (502): What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes? http://tfl.nu/o5zg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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  (248): Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy. http://tfl.nu/rzh3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing

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  (201): he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing http://tfl.nu/t0vu
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson

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  (570): I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson http://tfl.nu/24on
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (818): View more from California

  yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours

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  (818): yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours http://tfl.nu/fxuo
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (718): View more from New York

  You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

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  (718): You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me. http://tfl.nu/au8t
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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  (770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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  (313): The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not. http://tfl.nu/y4k4
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  (914): View more from New York

  The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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  (914): The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner" http://tfl.nu/76ix
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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  (905): oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"... http://tfl.nu/xa6k
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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  (269): So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing. http://tfl.nu/disx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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  (970): I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that. http://tfl.nu/622i
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.

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  (330): I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical. http://tfl.nu/0rx8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

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  (410): I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom http://tfl.nu/r4rn
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  (661): View more from California

  I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

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  (661): I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special. http://tfl.nu/zosx
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..

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  (413): Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative.. http://tfl.nu/iby4
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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  (303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

  (419): View more from Ohio

  And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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  (419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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  (360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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  (306): They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle (1-306): Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other http://tfl.nu/7xcc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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  (908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head http://tfl.nu/52vv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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  (917): I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud. http://tfl.nu/cvat
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.

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  (902): the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved. http://tfl.nu/ruqq
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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  (860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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  (304): I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn. http://tfl.nu/xmj5
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  (585): View more from New York

  he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

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  (585): he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice http://tfl.nu/25gk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

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  (819): FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/3wga
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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  (313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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  (727): Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick http://tfl.nu/5e6v
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  (518): View more from New York

  i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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  (518): i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting http://tfl.nu/x71w
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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  (515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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  (417): I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat. http://tfl.nu/8r9j
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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  (908): there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time (732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution. http://tfl.nu/6mq6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?

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  (785): My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test? http://tfl.nu/em8d
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  (858): View more from California

  So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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  (858): So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism? http://tfl.nu/tlrk
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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  (201): your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night http://tfl.nu/mrgx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.

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  (770): Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock. http://tfl.nu/ip50
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

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  (512): you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator http://tfl.nu/ic52
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day

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  (732): My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day http://tfl.nu/6zjk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  if there is a rhyme for it it must be true

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  (301): if there is a rhyme for it it must be true http://tfl.nu/ckyq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (707): View more from California

  he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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  (707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting http://tfl.nu/k7m6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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  (203): i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool. http://tfl.nu/2evd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I love tequila.

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  (902): WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?! (1-902): I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey. (1-902): I love tequila. http://tfl.nu/s92h
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.

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  (908): my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue. http://tfl.nu/njsp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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  (503): I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink. http://tfl.nu/0fnk
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  (323): View more from California

  that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.

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  (323): that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill. http://tfl.nu/xwdt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!

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  (240): Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr! http://tfl.nu/r5un
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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  (973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where's it at?

  (706): View more from Georgia

  In your pants.

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  (706): We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now. (1-706): Where's it at? (706): In your pants. http://tfl.nu/w8ar
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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  (847): Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant. http://tfl.nu/q6o4
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

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  (720): Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands. http://tfl.nu/3psd
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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  (224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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  (303): This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now. http://tfl.nu/jc3w
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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  (724): Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways. http://tfl.nu/hzks
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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  (317): Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina. (614): Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money http://tfl.nu/rx4e
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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  (785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  yes. helicopter.

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  (630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd

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  (301): I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd http://tfl.nu/xdaa
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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  (260): I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/s74r
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  (210): View more from Texas

  every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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  (210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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  (832): Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool. http://tfl.nu/d5dr
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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  (207): Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father. http://tfl.nu/7nfw
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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  (262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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  (270): I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/gibq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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  (801): She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex. http://tfl.nu/3ix3
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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  (719): I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today" http://tfl.nu/2j14
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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  (610): Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us http://tfl.nu/1uhw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls

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  (330): Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls http://tfl.nu/m4sw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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  (817): This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here" http://tfl.nu/277o
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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  (780): We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts. http://tfl.nu/8v61
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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  (765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? http://tfl.nu/lgnr
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  it was like having sex with a tree stump

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  (702): it was like having sex with a tree stump http://tfl.nu/4ao5
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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  (540): i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building http://tfl.nu/8nc8
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  (564): View more from Washington

  He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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  (564): He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns http://tfl.nu/yiwx
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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  (516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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  (201): i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed. http://tfl.nu/ojs9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

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  (919): he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer. http://tfl.nu/8j5z
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!

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  (405): You can't have hate sex in a hallway!! http://tfl.nu/3bhn
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Hey man sorry I got all grabby

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  (972): Hey man sorry I got all grabby http://tfl.nu/1c4w
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  (813): View more from Florida

  so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  well its been awhile since I've surfed

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  (813): so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol (1-813): well its been awhile since I've surfed http://tfl.nu/lkwy
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  (209): View more from California

  just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment

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  (209): just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment http://tfl.nu/1qk7
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

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  (832): I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up. http://tfl.nu/vunl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.

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  (305): alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog. http://tfl.nu/iy0a
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  (646): View more from New York

  Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?

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  (646): Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton? http://tfl.nu/taql
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

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  (225): We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed. http://tfl.nu/eoiy
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME

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  (802): the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME http://tfl.nu/i706
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

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  (416): I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on http://tfl.nu/c1eq
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  (310): View more from California

  It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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  (310): It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass... http://tfl.nu/egbe
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?

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  (206): So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia? http://tfl.nu/7m55
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  (210): View more from Texas

  ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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  (210): ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math! http://tfl.nu/zdim
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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  (812): Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch http://tfl.nu/sdde
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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  (289): It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack. http://tfl.nu/6xg5
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.

  (229): View more from Georgia

  Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?

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  (973): He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass' (973): Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic. (229): Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom? http://tfl.nu/xp9a
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

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  (248): Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/6oxt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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  (724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67
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  (315): View more from New York

  She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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  (315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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  (678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

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  (207): Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend. http://tfl.nu/fufl
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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  (201): He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me. http://tfl.nu/n6mr
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
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  (845): View more from New York

  just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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  (845): just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in http://tfl.nu/l275
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  (415): View more from California

  dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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  (415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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  (303): New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar. http://tfl.nu/vp4p
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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  (770): His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution. http://tfl.nu/sbqf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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  (214): I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt" http://tfl.nu/7s1k
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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  (703): Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor. http://tfl.nu/fx2a
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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  (334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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  (612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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  (210): i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation http://tfl.nu/369m
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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  (513): Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet. http://tfl.nu/slw0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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  (678): I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom. http://tfl.nu/95nr
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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  (509): I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here. http://tfl.nu/f99e
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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  (641): i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that http://tfl.nu/t0hz
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  (562): View more from California

  So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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  (562): So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later. http://tfl.nu/b9wm
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  (858): View more from California

  threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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  (858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo
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  (646): View more from New York

  the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.

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  (646): the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us. http://tfl.nu/x7fp
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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  (618): here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco... http://tfl.nu/ll6l
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thidmdmk you'gre a special person

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  (919): I thidmdmk you'gre a special person http://tfl.nu/mmrm
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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  (443): i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed? http://tfl.nu/sqdz
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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  (662): "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again. http://tfl.nu/9nn9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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  (503): Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress. http://tfl.nu/96cb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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  (970): Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet" http://tfl.nu/xuid
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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  (718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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  (803): I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind http://tfl.nu/dnl0
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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  (512): She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them! http://tfl.nu/ovo7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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  (203): just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge http://tfl.nu/b456
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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  (814): Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder. http://tfl.nu/vt5f
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)

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  (720): For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented) http://tfl.nu/wdah
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i think i left my bra at your place

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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  (901): i think i left my bra at your place (1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. http://tfl.nu/dg7a
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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  (860): i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle http://tfl.nu/gxwa
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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  (778): No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain' http://tfl.nu/2rma
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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  (610): you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on http://tfl.nu/unra
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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  (+64): He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning http://tfl.nu/zdbu
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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  (503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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  (484): her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird. http://tfl.nu/16ps
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  (813): View more from Florida

  watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

  (863): View more from Florida

  Can I come live with you?

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  (813): watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC... (863): Can I come live with you? http://tfl.nu/y56x
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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  (617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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  (801): I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes? http://tfl.nu/05g8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait until you see the roof.

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  (978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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  (630): Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me. http://tfl.nu/4ss8
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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  (812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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  (515): I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror http://tfl.nu/xej5
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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  (210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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  (717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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  (304): Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life. http://tfl.nu/t3n8
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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  (724): You kept referring to your penis as "this guy." http://tfl.nu/osjv
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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  (763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread. http://tfl.nu/qy40
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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  (717): dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high. http://tfl.nu/gyij
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  (408): View more from California

  I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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  (408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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  (937): Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either http://tfl.nu/8shq
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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  (814): I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker... http://tfl.nu/b9kq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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  (519): I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid. http://tfl.nu/7asr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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  (970): my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned http://tfl.nu/3gli
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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  (913): You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup http://tfl.nu/bt9z
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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  (360): I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood http://tfl.nu/vxnk
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  (408): View more from California

  He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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  (408): He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize. http://tfl.nu/u4mt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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  (804): she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off. http://tfl.nu/ypig
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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  (210): I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano http://tfl.nu/qhs9
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.

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  (216): my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win. http://tfl.nu/rx98
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
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  (805): View more from California

  He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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  (805): He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have. http://tfl.nu/ny5u
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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  (404): hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away http://tfl.nu/s83j
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
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  (925): View more from California

  After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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  (925): After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup. http://tfl.nu/n6kw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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  (617): I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples. http://tfl.nu/l51o
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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  (814): Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water http://tfl.nu/ivkw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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  (832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant." http://tfl.nu/1fxo
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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  (908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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  (401): yo everyone went to the hospital last night http://tfl.nu/d0a6
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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  (920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy
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  (310): View more from California

  Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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  (310): Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake http://tfl.nu/w9rn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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  (817): you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for http://tfl.nu/dk1d
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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  (802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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  (734): she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help. http://tfl.nu/iorj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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  (301): Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd. http://tfl.nu/3wwu
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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  (603): Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty. http://tfl.nu/d4ib
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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  (208): I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age. http://tfl.nu/hp0x
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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  (330): She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay. http://tfl.nu/hfdj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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  (203): I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/i7wi
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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  (+44): we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again http://tfl.nu/6h6m
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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  (519): We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on http://tfl.nu/80ye
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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  (513): Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth? http://tfl.nu/ukqr
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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  (732): He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!" http://tfl.nu/74ai
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  (916): View more from California

  She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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  (916): She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/9b1u
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.

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  (778): working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out. http://tfl.nu/5n9v
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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  (612): I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?" http://tfl.nu/juih
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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  (609): you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though http://tfl.nu/8e43
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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  (785): There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob. http://tfl.nu/pwq0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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  (717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.

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  (954): I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened. http://tfl.nu/wvm1
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  (707): View more from California

  Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

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  (707): Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman. http://tfl.nu/1yjg
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

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  (404): Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party. http://tfl.nu/y163
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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  (401): You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions. http://tfl.nu/pgpr
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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  (207): i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship http://tfl.nu/kphu
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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  (248): after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life http://tfl.nu/k9mo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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  (813): His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up. http://tfl.nu/dgzw
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

  (760): View more from California

  Wow.

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  (901): Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered. (760): Wow. http://tfl.nu/1wu1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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  (630): He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that? http://tfl.nu/r8k1
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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  (651): He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient. http://tfl.nu/9tdu
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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  (480): I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch http://tfl.nu/8f48
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty

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  (740): Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty http://tfl.nu/686x
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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  (619): I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person. http://tfl.nu/uqdv
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.

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  (312): just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes. http://tfl.nu/gk7e
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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  (810): Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever. http://tfl.nu/u46n
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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  (918): Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across http://tfl.nu/uhsj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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  (407): So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves http://tfl.nu/mggy
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  What?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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  (484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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  (551): i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me http://tfl.nu/tacv
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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  (989): i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/envk
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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  (765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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  (314): Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late. http://tfl.nu/bosu
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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  (414): saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings http://tfl.nu/clzp
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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  (479): I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's. http://tfl.nu/ybeq
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  (631): View more from New York

  You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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  (631): You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone http://tfl.nu/0bcu
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  (714): View more from California

  You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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  (714): You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo" http://tfl.nu/an5c
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  she was licking his armpits.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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  (317): she was licking his armpits. (317): asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story. http://tfl.nu/2ll0
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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  (339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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  (847): I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire http://tfl.nu/ncts
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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  (+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag http://tfl.nu/idf5
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  (716): View more from New York

  It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

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  (716): It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it. http://tfl.nu/m8zx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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  (913): he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness. http://tfl.nu/hbrf
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  None of that is ok.

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  (312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  this is something i pride myself on being below average for

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  (920): this is something i pride myself on being below average for http://tfl.nu/tsy8
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  (650): View more from California

  we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  god you guys know how to party

  (650): View more from California

  worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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  (650): we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed (505): god you guys know how to party (650): worst. bachelorette party. ever. http://tfl.nu/3oqx
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  (904): View more from Florida

  And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

  (386): View more from Florida

  It could be our claim to fame

  (904): View more from Florida

  Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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  (904): And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool (386): It could be our claim to fame (904): Done. I'll pack a cooler. http://tfl.nu/te4d
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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  (973): Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/ob9t
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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  (908): I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11. http://tfl.nu/hmrj
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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  (617): he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time http://tfl.nu/x6gg
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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  (708): This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight. http://tfl.nu/ioqv
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?

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  (937): What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out? http://tfl.nu/ji4n
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"

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  (402): My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet" http://tfl.nu/f79o
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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  (267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch? http://tfl.nu/7fe5
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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  (978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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  (318): This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out. http://tfl.nu/skdx
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee

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  (231): We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee http://tfl.nu/m4t7
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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  (601): High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way http://tfl.nu/xf3z
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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  (403): we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now. http://tfl.nu/goi4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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  (+61): I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy http://tfl.nu/e6l2
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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  (803): Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops. http://tfl.nu/javd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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  (406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing. http://tfl.nu/w8ww
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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  (509): He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother. http://tfl.nu/97xz
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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  (517): Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair http://tfl.nu/ktbm
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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  (404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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  (269): i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week http://tfl.nu/99uq
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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  (712): i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm. http://tfl.nu/clwu
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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  (606): I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?" http://tfl.nu/ecul
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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  (267): i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough. http://tfl.nu/ija6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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  (703): I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going. http://tfl.nu/roti
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  (+06): View more from

  it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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  (+06): it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever.. http://tfl.nu/huu2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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  (913): Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla. http://tfl.nu/bslp
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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  (570): I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob http://tfl.nu/rxex
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  (914): View more from New York

  still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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  (914): still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay. http://tfl.nu/4bqn
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning

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  (504): You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning http://tfl.nu/qlbe
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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  (603): I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part. http://tfl.nu/7yrx
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (315): View more from New York

  His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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  (315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians. http://tfl.nu/73dw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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  (512): just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification. http://tfl.nu/d300
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  (718): View more from New York

  I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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  (718): I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there. http://tfl.nu/dv4v
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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  (480): Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars. http://tfl.nu/f73b
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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  (504): Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind. http://tfl.nu/yydb
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  (631): View more from New York

  the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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  (631): the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010' http://tfl.nu/beuj
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  (818): View more from California

  Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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  (818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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  (205): Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia http://tfl.nu/0tpw
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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  (865): I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out... (615): Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again http://tfl.nu/gvsb
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  (863): View more from Florida

  And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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  (863): And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard http://tfl.nu/4drm
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  (281): View more from Texas

  well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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  (281): well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido" http://tfl.nu/7omt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.

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  (607): Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey. http://tfl.nu/4gnd
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.

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  (661): I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle. http://tfl.nu/l8mr
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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  (216): She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened http://tfl.nu/r1vr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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  (603): I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again. http://tfl.nu/0sqv
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (716): View more from New York

  I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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  (716): I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina http://tfl.nu/hz6e
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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  (250): My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances http://tfl.nu/ihp8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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  (913): Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one.. http://tfl.nu/0qqy
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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  (781): I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house. http://tfl.nu/8emi
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
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  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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  (815): Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit. http://tfl.nu/yacj
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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  (860): letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs http://tfl.nu/yswk
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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  (704): I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead. http://tfl.nu/olst
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

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  (248): I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first. http://tfl.nu/88zr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  Mike i'm at church right now...

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  (214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis... (1-214): Mike i'm at church right now... http://tfl.nu/uslc
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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  (920): the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet. http://tfl.nu/lvr3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Good morning to you

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  (203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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  (901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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  (519): Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten. http://tfl.nu/vjjo
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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  (413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v
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  (916): View more from California

  It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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  (916): It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable. http://tfl.nu/6byi
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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  (630): I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night. http://tfl.nu/uyli
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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  (815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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  (636): No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from. http://tfl.nu/d5gf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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  (203): I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season. http://tfl.nu/xinh
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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  (251): Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his http://tfl.nu/lwp2
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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  (720): You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger. http://tfl.nu/3qkv
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  (518): View more from New York

  she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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  (518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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  (317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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  (484): I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere. http://tfl.nu/zvpn
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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  (210): Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer http://tfl.nu/6bxa
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  "Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

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  (804): "Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to http://tfl.nu/kp09
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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  (337): Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta http://tfl.nu/2wvh
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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  (608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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  (403): so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them. http://tfl.nu/j4fw
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  (801): View more from Utah

  No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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  (801): No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything http://tfl.nu/rmdb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Whoa, Gary Coleman died

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Too soon.

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  (847): Whoa, Gary Coleman died (224): Whatchu talkin bout?!?! (847): Too soon. http://tfl.nu/36gw
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did he notice?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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  (267): we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself. (215): did he notice? (267): of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up.. http://tfl.nu/7kng
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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  (816): Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful http://tfl.nu/oafq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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  (904): Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/tda5
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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  (404): The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/retd
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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  (812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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  (+44): it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl http://tfl.nu/hhri
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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  (774): According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/1yfv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.

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  (407): Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go. http://tfl.nu/d64s
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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  (423): i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions. http://tfl.nu/w3io
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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  (306): When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vfit
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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  (321): Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing. http://tfl.nu/gi7h
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (818): View more from California

  Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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  (818): Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around http://tfl.nu/awow
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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  (208): My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done. http://tfl.nu/2aew
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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  (704): My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to http://tfl.nu/cyq1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

  (786): View more from Florida

  that would mean it's on tape

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  (804): i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately. (804): i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof. (786): that would mean it's on tape http://tfl.nu/zipf
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.

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  (407): Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents. http://tfl.nu/8i9e
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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  (910): I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight. http://tfl.nu/7vg9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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  (614): Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is http://tfl.nu/l5nn
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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  (412): Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/wd4d
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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  (402): In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck. http://tfl.nu/gl2y
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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  (402): All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was http://tfl.nu/p0yn
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin

  (1-862): View more from New Jersey

  doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you

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  (862): watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin (1-862): doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you http://tfl.nu/gtrz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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  (512): why does the wii remote smell like your vag? http://tfl.nu/z7m2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where my bra went.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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  (303): I don't know where my bra went. (1-303): Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy. http://tfl.nu/03yq
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  (718): View more from New York

  Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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  (718): Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night. http://tfl.nu/a8sl
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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  (817): you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit. http://tfl.nu/6hvl
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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  (615): Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing" http://tfl.nu/ru0o
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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  (603): im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too http://tfl.nu/8x1l
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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  (708): its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something http://tfl.nu/mg8h
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  (253): View more from Washington

  dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.

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  (253): dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it. http://tfl.nu/9jbv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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  (617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (530): View more from California

  There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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  (530): There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them http://tfl.nu/te5k
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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  (541): I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up. http://tfl.nu/5d52
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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  (605): I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum. http://tfl.nu/8vy8
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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  (269): I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life. http://tfl.nu/x5qx
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  You should've just screamed yes we can!

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  (270): Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad. (1-270): You should've just screamed yes we can! http://tfl.nu/ng19
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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  (360): I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels. http://tfl.nu/pla2
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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  (815): May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago. http://tfl.nu/4qky
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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  (423): Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis. http://tfl.nu/t2k7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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  (904): I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers. http://tfl.nu/cp6l
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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  (401): Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself http://tfl.nu/jjur
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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  (217): I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats http://tfl.nu/84a1
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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  (267): your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats http://tfl.nu/u2vh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Joe or Chris?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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  (314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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  (602): I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy http://tfl.nu/rk38
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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  (443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes http://tfl.nu/p6zo
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  (210): View more from Texas

  In America we eat man semen.

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  (210): In America we eat man semen. http://tfl.nu/5eyy
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  (631): View more from New York

  guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis

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  (631): guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis http://tfl.nu/a1d7
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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  (416): The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife. http://tfl.nu/rajf
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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  (612): i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high. http://tfl.nu/z4jl
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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  (856): What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again. http://tfl.nu/nufk
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  (516): View more from New York

  i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone

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  (516): i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone http://tfl.nu/1arh
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.

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  (502): battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever. http://tfl.nu/blg1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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  (970): Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back http://tfl.nu/pd0y
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.

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  (540): Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed. http://tfl.nu/420i
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  That reminds me...we need to get swords

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  (785): That reminds me...we need to get swords http://tfl.nu/9ivg
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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  (515): Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him. http://tfl.nu/tve9
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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  (210): Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously http://tfl.nu/22yg
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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  (207): Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore. http://tfl.nu/fjzm
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  (650): View more from California

  I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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  (650): I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it. http://tfl.nu/k1p6
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  (212): View more from New York

  And mexicans. My burrito likes you.

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  (212): And mexicans. My burrito likes you. http://tfl.nu/p311
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  (408): View more from California

  sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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  (408): sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds http://tfl.nu/sr5n
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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  (617): I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness http://tfl.nu/m7sl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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  (401): i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest http://tfl.nu/hnl6
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  (925): View more from California

  she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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  (925): she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys http://tfl.nu/nc2y
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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  (727): I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now. http://tfl.nu/6a5q
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  (716): View more from New York

  strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

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  (716): strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them http://tfl.nu/3anm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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  (+44): She just messaged me 19 sad faces. http://tfl.nu/vblt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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  (780): I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her http://tfl.nu/1b2q
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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  (864): long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube". http://tfl.nu/njsb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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  (405): I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step. http://tfl.nu/yq43
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.

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  (843): It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora. http://tfl.nu/zv3b
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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  (828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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  (617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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  (301): and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit http://tfl.nu/fjd7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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  (586): Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail. http://tfl.nu/99nr
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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  (425): Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy. http://tfl.nu/3fjx
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (310): View more from California

  Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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  (310): Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google.... http://tfl.nu/f2r9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?

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  (651): What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid? http://tfl.nu/a3m4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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  (703): A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world http://tfl.nu/xi7q
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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  (309): I'd suck anything for a pizza right now http://tfl.nu/grjz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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  (404): I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious. http://tfl.nu/jbo1
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  (714): View more from California

  i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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  (714): i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats.. http://tfl.nu/8g2i
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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  (412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (925): View more from California

  its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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  (925): its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife http://tfl.nu/e55k
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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  (443): She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them. http://tfl.nu/jd8a
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  (863): View more from Florida

  We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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  (863): We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits. http://tfl.nu/7sfp
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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  (334): Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself. http://tfl.nu/lbys
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."

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  (904): I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear." http://tfl.nu/t3d7
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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  (803): there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina. http://tfl.nu/qg49
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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  (239): Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot... http://tfl.nu/oqxd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Haha did she know what fisting meant?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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  (734): Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that. (1-734): Haha did she know what fisting meant? (734): Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself http://tfl.nu/kykk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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  (703): look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys http://tfl.nu/ae48
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  (352): View more from Florida

  homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  so you did it...

  (352): View more from Florida

  obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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  (352): homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview... (1-352): so you did it... (352): obv...but still...it was inconsiderate. http://tfl.nu/j7x7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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  (401): he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys. http://tfl.nu/w8m7
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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  (765): we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright. http://tfl.nu/328h
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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  (304): But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game http://tfl.nu/osln
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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  (618): Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog. http://tfl.nu/c9by
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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  (570): You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians. http://tfl.nu/d2bn
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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  (304): There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time. http://tfl.nu/tmab
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  God wants them to get laid too.

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  (267): Why do fat girls all have such cute faces? (484): God wants them to get laid too. http://tfl.nu/23cz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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  (860): She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora http://tfl.nu/wtuh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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  (617): And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today. http://tfl.nu/vsrl
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.

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  (216): oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs. http://tfl.nu/udb9
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out

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  (410): I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out http://tfl.nu/hdo3
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  (916): View more from California

  This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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  (916): This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here http://tfl.nu/hb41
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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  (352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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  (503): No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school. http://tfl.nu/ym74
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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  (708): Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected. http://tfl.nu/ilck
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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  (720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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  (613): I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after http://tfl.nu/kbgy
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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  (519): due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron. http://tfl.nu/58sn
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  (562): View more from California

  I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

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  (562): I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff http://tfl.nu/dgtn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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  (519): Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm... http://tfl.nu/v0t6
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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  (210): You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink... http://tfl.nu/o571
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  (415): View more from California

  Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

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  (415): Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle. http://tfl.nu/saxv
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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  (252): I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet. http://tfl.nu/v8co
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

  (248): View more from Michigan

  If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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  (248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest (248): If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does http://tfl.nu/2sf6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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  (314): There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already. http://tfl.nu/afo0
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  (646): View more from New York

  There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  Your pregnant arnt you

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  (646): There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil. (1-646): Your pregnant arnt you http://tfl.nu/t59m
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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  (757): He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds. http://tfl.nu/ihy8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.

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  (440): i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad. http://tfl.nu/60es
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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  (978): Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"?? http://tfl.nu/v3ie
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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  (717): Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin. http://tfl.nu/gep5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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  (732): why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon? (1-732): shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work http://tfl.nu/tkf9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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  (765): I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position. http://tfl.nu/oixi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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  (301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today http://tfl.nu/gkj4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

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  (615): my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good http://tfl.nu/bhfg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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  (617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened http://tfl.nu/7n12
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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  (651): You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold.. http://tfl.nu/rd4a
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?

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  (802): Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase? http://tfl.nu/m4dc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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  (973): My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned http://tfl.nu/s0bf
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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  (308): and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs http://tfl.nu/sqwd
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist

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  (860): I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist http://tfl.nu/xqx0
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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  (469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that. http://tfl.nu/9raa
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come

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  (313): im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come http://tfl.nu/9b59
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  (619): View more from California

  thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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  (619): thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina http://tfl.nu/dtrt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.

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  (614): Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed. http://tfl.nu/22a9
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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  (443): You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." http://tfl.nu/r5ek
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Gross. gingers suck

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  (313): Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you (248): Gross. gingers suck http://tfl.nu/yt8q
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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  (412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God. http://tfl.nu/yxgi
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  (650): View more from California

  There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

  (650): View more from California

  I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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  (650): There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide. (650): I tried to assassinate the ginger baby http://tfl.nu/c72u
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  (619): View more from California

  I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.

  (1-619): View more from California

  You literally just made my flesh crawl.

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  (619): I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter. (1-619): You literally just made my flesh crawl. http://tfl.nu/h7tg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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  (214): I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night" http://tfl.nu/h7ul
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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  (574): You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing... http://tfl.nu/ux4f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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  (203): that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/oyv6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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  (908): my sombrero is too big for the bathroom http://tfl.nu/okhq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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  (850): Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please. http://tfl.nu/1q4n
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  (315): View more from New York

  THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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  (315): THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7uwm
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

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  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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  (636): Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly. http://tfl.nu/3gr1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  to do: lose virginity to hamster dance

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  (617): to do: lose virginity to hamster dance http://tfl.nu/0r0s
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  i woke up with socks on this morning

  (485): View more from

  so?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  i didnt wear socks last night

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  (912): i woke up with socks on this morning (485): so? (912): i didnt wear socks last night http://tfl.nu/lw6k
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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  (615): He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick. http://tfl.nu/ib3l
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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  (703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. http://tfl.nu/y4qo
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  put a dollar in it?

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  (319): umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do (1-319): put a dollar in it? http://tfl.nu/6gdy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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  (401): Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song http://tfl.nu/c63n
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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  (678): He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went. http://tfl.nu/yfsi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

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  (815): Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single. http://tfl.nu/sipf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

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  (720): have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing? http://tfl.nu/o8yl
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?

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  (720): well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you? http://tfl.nu/2ont
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm going to rape that little man

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  omg not your brother

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  (414): i'm going to rape that little man (414): omg not your brother http://tfl.nu/01hx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (818): View more from California

  people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

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  (818): people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight. http://tfl.nu/8h1f
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (831): View more from California

  Don't EVER smell your tampon

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  (831): Don't EVER smell your tampon http://tfl.nu/zvwb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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  (917): My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard http://tfl.nu/zt1l
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.

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  (651): I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol. http://tfl.nu/cmai
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

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  (803): I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15 http://tfl.nu/mt2n
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

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  (614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward? http://tfl.nu/41t8
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i may or may not be watching the land before time

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  (404): i may or may not be watching the land before time http://tfl.nu/fmo5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.

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  (248): I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness. http://tfl.nu/dved
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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  (561): i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks. http://tfl.nu/2sae
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?

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  (740): Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case? http://tfl.nu/5skf
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  (817): View more from Texas

  youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?

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  (817): youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy? http://tfl.nu/kdio
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

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  (616): it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/ij8w
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  (650): View more from California

  you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!

  (1-650): View more from California

  noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

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  (650): you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish! (1-650): noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish! http://tfl.nu/qi3r
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.

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  (847): There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike. http://tfl.nu/ywf1
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  (813): View more from Florida

  ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions

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  (813): ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions http://tfl.nu/w3os
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  (315): View more from New York

  Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?

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  (315): Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets? http://tfl.nu/drj5
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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  (504): i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls http://tfl.nu/i5gr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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  (330): I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex." http://tfl.nu/3mha
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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  (910): This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods. http://tfl.nu/a6lo
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  she is a standing ovation.

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  (973): too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face. (507): she is a standing ovation. http://tfl.nu/6atu
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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  (832): I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed. http://tfl.nu/rvfy
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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  (917): you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues http://tfl.nu/bwbh
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  (940): View more from Texas

  The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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  (940): The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down. http://tfl.nu/a74v
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.

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  (781): So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets. http://tfl.nu/zt9l
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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  (231): I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you http://tfl.nu/n6kx
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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  (304): I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous http://tfl.nu/zxmn
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.

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  (803): worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week. http://tfl.nu/ib48
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  (801): View more from Utah

  My underwear smells like fireworks.

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  (801): My underwear smells like fireworks. http://tfl.nu/cuz7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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  (732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it. http://tfl.nu/eqvw
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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  (732): wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns? http://tfl.nu/gvvk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fuckk wrong person

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  .. who was that for? a girlscout?

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  (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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  (773): Taylor Swift is so right about you. http://tfl.nu/etcx
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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  (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed

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  (573): This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed http://tfl.nu/eoyh
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  (718): View more from New York

  You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

  (917): View more from New York City

  No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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  (718): You don't think I'm weird or immature right? (917): No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets http://tfl.nu/6cpc
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

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  (780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself. http://tfl.nu/5eaf
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  (562): View more from California

  that was a gay-test. you passed.

  (1-562): View more from California

  with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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  (562): that was a gay-test. you passed. (1-562): with flying rainbow colors i hope! http://tfl.nu/yxlu
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

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  (225): he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel? http://tfl.nu/f7r7
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
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  (716): View more from New York

  Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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  (716): Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil? http://tfl.nu/jfob
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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  (519): Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle. http://tfl.nu/hct4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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  (612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk. http://tfl.nu/j1no
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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  (713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you! (832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there. http://tfl.nu/n7dn
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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  (208): I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying. http://tfl.nu/4ymz
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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  (660): i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again. http://tfl.nu/1pik
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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  (817): Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3. http://tfl.nu/dq7j
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?

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  (204): I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right? http://tfl.nu/emft
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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  (412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early http://tfl.nu/4ftf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

  (518): View more from New York

  No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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  (313): Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween? (518): No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate. http://tfl.nu/4msk
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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  (902): Sharpest. Poop. Ever. http://tfl.nu/efzq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Do ugly people know they are ugly?

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  The quiet ones do.

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  (202): Do ugly people know they are ugly? (1-202): The quiet ones do. http://tfl.nu/129a
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  (831): View more from California

  My boss' voice literally gives me gas

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  (831): My boss' voice literally gives me gas http://tfl.nu/s0me
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Are you dead

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Yes

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Oh man

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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  (260): Are you dead (1-260): Yes (260): Oh man (1-260): Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard http://tfl.nu/iien
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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  (860): The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up. http://tfl.nu/uswo
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.

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  (205): we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit. http://tfl.nu/3r6b
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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  (770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea http://tfl.nu/bsak
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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  (512): I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck. http://tfl.nu/pefb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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  (781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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  (314): I hated hipsters before it was mainstream. http://tfl.nu/p566
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  All of his creepy stalker friends want you too

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  (318): All of his creepy stalker friends want you too http://tfl.nu/8m59
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (530): View more from California

  shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

  (1-530): View more from California

  just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

  (530): View more from California

  yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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  (530): shit pants at work. discarded underwear. (1-530): just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now? (530): yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye. http://tfl.nu/oxzl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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  (207): I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/pgeg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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  (520): If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar. http://tfl.nu/t9uo
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (408): View more from California

  Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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  (408): Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling. http://tfl.nu/ek2q
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.

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  (205): TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush. (205): better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush. http://tfl.nu/xveq
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday

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  (810): I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday http://tfl.nu/aiy9
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up

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  (907): my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up http://tfl.nu/bsdq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.

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  (508): hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose. http://tfl.nu/ylto
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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  (410): what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"? http://tfl.nu/vaok
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  (858): View more from California

  I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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  (858): I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street. http://tfl.nu/fk7f
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  (818): View more from California

  Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

  (818): View more from California

  Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

  (818): View more from California

  And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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  (818): Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week. (818): Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks. (818): And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it. http://tfl.nu/ncbc
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!

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  (484): I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia! http://tfl.nu/lfqp
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  (407): View more from Florida

  He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances

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  (407): He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances http://tfl.nu/rv67
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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  (304): all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over http://tfl.nu/i61z
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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  (856): Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches http://tfl.nu/oe4j
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me

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  (907): i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me http://tfl.nu/rubg
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  (212): View more from New York

  Your dad touched me again.

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  (212): Your dad touched me again. http://tfl.nu/syvf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

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  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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  (303): just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals http://tfl.nu/h68j
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (716): View more from New York

  she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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  (716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/eill
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...

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  (248): Party's warming up, a tranny just got here... http://tfl.nu/y3c5
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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  (519): I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible. http://tfl.nu/zom5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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  (724): i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall. http://tfl.nu/3lmu
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  (607): View more from New York

  i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

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  (607): i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady. http://tfl.nu/6072
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?

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  (289): i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going? http://tfl.nu/rdp8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha

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  (410): Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha http://tfl.nu/68fw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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  (207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man http://tfl.nu/9o60
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me

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  (201): I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me http://tfl.nu/61f7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I think I have a pornographic memory.

  (954): View more from Florida

  Don't you mean photographic?

  (407): View more from Florida

  No.

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  (407): I think I have a pornographic memory. (954): Don't you mean photographic? (407): No. http://tfl.nu/ii2n
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

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  (250): Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep? http://tfl.nu/pboz
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He had some BAD nuttage

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Nuttage?

  (334): View more from Alabama

  It's like cleavage......... but different

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  (334): He had some BAD nuttage (334): Nuttage? (334): It's like cleavage......... but different http://tfl.nu/35mx
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...

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  (502): if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings... http://tfl.nu/axpi
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh yea! I was just doing that too!

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  (814): I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina. (610): Oh yea! I was just doing that too! http://tfl.nu/grjr
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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  (704): I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful" http://tfl.nu/hdrb
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  (650): View more from California

  i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf

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  (650): i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf http://tfl.nu/sowb
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Maybe....

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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  (540): Are you pooping in the stall next to me? (404): Maybe.... (540): Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts. http://tfl.nu/wph3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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  (604): You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/i4e8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended

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  (330): ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended http://tfl.nu/6iyq
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i have a food baby... i think its a boy...

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  (717): i have a food baby... i think its a boy... http://tfl.nu/2cf1
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.

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  (804): names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving. http://tfl.nu/d6qb
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  (713): View more from Texas

  eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"

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  (713): eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae" http://tfl.nu/afr2
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  (323): View more from California

  Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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  (323): Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong. http://tfl.nu/sxrt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''

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  (704): How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty'' http://tfl.nu/27gn
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I wannas sexs uuuuu

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  (616) I wannas sexs uuuuu http://tfl.nu/1vml
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  (818): View more from California

  That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

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  (818): That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff http://tfl.nu/4b3c
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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  (602): I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs" http://tfl.nu/3iif
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

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  (403): just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong. http://tfl.nu/sr7f
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?

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  (612): So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it? http://tfl.nu/t4hw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

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  (859): Your vagina is a self cleaning oven. http://tfl.nu/z5bn
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal

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  (267): i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal http://tfl.nu/wd7r
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  (209): View more from California

  AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.

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  (209): AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now. http://tfl.nu/g0pf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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  (314): I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant. http://tfl.nu/hikv
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  (845): View more from New York

  Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

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  (845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo http://tfl.nu/oxyw
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

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  (615): Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours http://tfl.nu/h5ci
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...

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  (630): you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling... http://tfl.nu/h6kn
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  (516): View more from New York

  On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Strong 6

  (516): View more from New York

  That's an oxymoron.

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  (516): On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck? (201): Strong 6 (516): That's an oxymoron. http://tfl.nu/n45n
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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  (904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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  (616): he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail". http://tfl.nu/2qss
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  (925): View more from California

  DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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  (925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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  (203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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  (314): I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light. http://tfl.nu/psre
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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  (203): He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him? http://tfl.nu/bxd1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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  (512): My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context. http://tfl.nu/nfjx
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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  (480): Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby. http://tfl.nu/ip7w
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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  (484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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  (202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj
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  (409): View more from Texas

  well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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  (409): well he's currently spooning the coffee table http://tfl.nu/7khb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  She did the bend and snap...

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  (519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn
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  (607): View more from New York

  you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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  (607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later http://tfl.nu/x9e9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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  (973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle. http://tfl.nu/il9h
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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  (847): On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity. http://tfl.nu/th3j
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  (831): View more from California

  i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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  (831): i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock? http://tfl.nu/twxe
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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  (248): We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight. (440): I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over. (248): Playoffs. This shit is serious. http://tfl.nu/txqi
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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  (770): I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar. http://tfl.nu/rlky
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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  (256): I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed. http://tfl.nu/8aru
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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  (339): When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave http://tfl.nu/n4gt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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  (204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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  (256): It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops. http://tfl.nu/42cm
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  (925): View more from California

  curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.

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  (925): curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high. http://tfl.nu/vy6k
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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  (540): just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping http://tfl.nu/3wqg
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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  (810): woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/ubfv
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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  (610): I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode http://tfl.nu/uv7a
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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  (214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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  (240): woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again. http://tfl.nu/b9n0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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  (215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??

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  (810): Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me?? http://tfl.nu/91ci
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.

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  (815): I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value. http://tfl.nu/83po
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.

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  (440): Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true. http://tfl.nu/r2p3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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  (703): I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number. http://tfl.nu/ol2r
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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  (651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

  (917): View more from New York City

  what kind of party is this?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best kind ever

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  (610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  wakey wakey hands off snakey

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  (412): wakey wakey hands off snakey http://tfl.nu/v0if
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.

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  (317): i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life. http://tfl.nu/2bhk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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  (214): don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out" http://tfl.nu/bp43
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  (716): View more from New York

  Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

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  (716): Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed. http://tfl.nu/65fd
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  (754): View more from Florida

  do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?

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  (754): do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer? http://tfl.nu/0t31
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better

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  (401): tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better http://tfl.nu/1sqs
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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  (256): I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them. http://tfl.nu/zwx2
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  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

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  (703): My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall? http://tfl.nu/yddz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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  (630): But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino http://tfl.nu/qzo5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

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  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

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  (703): His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into? http://tfl.nu/n657
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary

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  (202): I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god (202): you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary http://tfl.nu/3z0i
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  u sound so gay right now

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  (617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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  (870): You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform http://tfl.nu/z93z
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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  (973): I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung. http://tfl.nu/lg9m
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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  (317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq
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  (818): View more from California

  im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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  (818): im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically. http://tfl.nu/np2a
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  (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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  (212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

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  (508): well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us http://tfl.nu/w698
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  (207): View more from Maine

  do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?

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  (207): do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam? http://tfl.nu/5qkv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"

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  (630): i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis" http://tfl.nu/h67z
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

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  (484): we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours http://tfl.nu/cvkh
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

  (804): View more from Virginia

  they're staring at me

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  (804): VAGINAS EVERYWHERE (804): they're staring at me http://tfl.nu/jqj2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?

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  (973): Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night? http://tfl.nu/mwh9
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  (805): View more from California

  found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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  (805): found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt. http://tfl.nu/65bm
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

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  (612): Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery. http://tfl.nu/hvee
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.

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  (443): i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week. http://tfl.nu/k6qn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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  (832): I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store. http://tfl.nu/hql1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm pants shitting drunk right now

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  (734): I'm pants shitting drunk right now http://tfl.nu/z85l
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.

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  (205): at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me. http://tfl.nu/ujwu
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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  (215): I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese. (717): Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days? http://tfl.nu/n2pa
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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  (215): Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town. http://tfl.nu/ozti
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  (718): View more from New York

  no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

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  (718): no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours. http://tfl.nu/ektb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

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  (405): so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one http://tfl.nu/mfz0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (510): View more from California

  We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.

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  (510): We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP. http://tfl.nu/sbka
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Right on... I dropped my chapstick

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I blacked out

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  (773): Right on... I dropped my chapstick (269): I blacked out http://tfl.nu/qsqj
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