what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I died a long time ago.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think about you every night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
youre lurking in front of me
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
What should our trivia night team be named?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Actions speak louder than pants.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I love black thongs
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it glows. i had to have it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I told you penises don't tan
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..