Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
