A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
