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singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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