Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
