Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it's great music for shaving your balls
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
two words...techno handjob
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just found puke in my bra..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I spit up blood this morning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?