just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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